Dear Sir,

I would like to say the profound sadness that your review has left me with. I am the author of the offending sketch. There is no mention of bestiality in it what so ever. Sir Saffron’s term “make love” and “gentle lover,” are meant in only the purest platonic terms. Sir Saffron is infact based on a very dear, dear friend of mine who spent 2 years in a psychiatric institution in the 1950s. Partly due to his homosexuality and in part due to his radical views on nudity. This was a cry for tolerance a plea for never returning to those dark days. You’re damning critique has reduced us both to tears and Sir Saffron to the bottle.

The theatre has long been the frontier of the radical performing arts. Unlike TV or podcast one must actual buy one’s ticket and face the performers. And as such from the glory days of Shakespeare’s globe via The Roman’s in Britain, the theatre has stood for all that is brave and icconaclastic in the performing arts.

But this critic has found a new low tactic. She has brought her progeny with her to the theatre. And now every play must be judged by whether it offends and innocent? Will there be no more bisexuality in the Rocky Horror Show? No more pies in Titus Andronicus? Will Shylock settle for a nice apology. Lest some spotty neonate be inspired to commit a criminal act on the way to playing Grand Theft Auto?

Yours sincerely Mr Edd.

PS You may want to check out “Daddy’s Horse is not a Pet.” By George Willard and his wfe Pixel. In some 12 US states loving relationships between animals and humans are recognised.

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Review: Sam and Dave Comedy Sketch Show, Brewhouse Theatre
8:50am Thursday 1st July 2010

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Review, Sam and Dave Comedy Sketch Show, Brewhouse Theatre TWO words sum up the Sam and Dave Comedy Sketch Show at the Brewhouse: bad taste.
I arrived with my 11-year old step-daughter, to be informed five minutes previously the staff had learned that the show was unsuitable for children.
She duly watched the main show while I reviewed the studio performance.
I wanted to like them. Local comedians, personable, versatile actors with excellent characterisation, Sam and Dave look the part. However their claim to take the everyday and find the funny side, influenced by Morecambe and Wise, falls flat.
Only Bernard Manning and the couple of people who were still chuckling and applauding by the end would have been proud of the material.
I can laugh at innuendo, risqué sketches, some non-pc jokes. But this overstepped the mark with an obsession with sex and in particular bestiality.
Suitable for a private club at midnight after several drinks, maybe, but not a local theatre at 8pm. And there was a child in the audience, whose parent, presumably, had as I had done, checked the website to see the following: “the show’s innocence and charm….”
I appreciate that the Brewhouse does not see the material beforehand but more must be done proactively to check its appropriateness for age. And Sam and Dave have talent, but poor judgement.
By Julie O’Donnell.

The White Witch was surrounded by the forces of Good of Narnia.
“Your reign of evil is over!”
Roared mighty Aslan.
“Cor Aslan you truly are my favourite crude lion based representation of Jesus.”
Simpered Lucy.
“Enough talking lets chop off her head in the name of a loving Christian God!”
Shouted Peter exitedly.
“Then we can blow up a horrible abortionist.”
Squealed Edmund blood thirstilly.
“Hold on for just a moment oh sons and daughters of Adam there’s some one you might want to speak to first..”
Said the White Witch
And a dark cloaked figure approached. It threw back it’s hood.
“Yikes it’s the evil wizard Ron the Tosser! Lord of stories.”
Cried Aslan in genuine terror.
“I can’t believe you’re trying to deligitimise the legitimate ruler of Narnia and her people.”

Said the wizard Ron sadly.
“Delegitimisation what’s that?”
Asked Edmund.
“It’s when a country is attacked by a loose coalition of fellow travellers, usually a combination of socialists and fundamentalists. Through a process of economic sanctions, protest and criticism via international bodies such as the UN attack a country or institution. Till it has been so delegitimised it can no longer function.”
Said Ron helpfully.
“Wow, it’s like terrorism but no one gets killed and it looks just like legitimate political protest.”
Said Peter shocked.
“That’s why it’s so evil. It’s like an antisemitic conspiracy in reverse, where all those nasty lefties get together and are thoroughly beastly.”
Said Lucy shamefaced.
“It’s all in my book “The Protocols of the elders of antizionism.”
Said Ron triumphant.
“But how does this apply to the White Witch? She turns people into stone, makes it snow and leads an army of evil.”
Protested Edward.
“That’s just propaganda by the christian, lion, 1940s school children lobby. You’ll find they read the Guardian and eat muesli. Frankly I have a report showing that no animal was turned to stone in contravention of the UN mandate on evil magic and no one complains that Iran has nuclear power that’s far worse than a magical winter.”
Said Ron sternly.
“But can’t we all just agree that turning people to stone and sacrificing poor Aslan to the dark Gods is a bad thing?”
Quibbled Peter weakly.
“No you can’t! It’s racist and a conspiracy.”
Snapped the wizard Ron.
“Sorry”
Said the children as they slunk off to the wardrobe. Aslan slowly wandered into the snow to write another letter to Amnesty International about the cruelty of an enforced permanent winter. Knowing full well that the proWhite Witch lobby in the UN would scupper it.
“Hoorah! Now to go and build a wall for the Dark Lord Sauron around Hobbiton. It’s always been historically part of Mordor.”
Cried the wicked wizard Ron the Tosser as he flew off on his magical high horse. Ready to fight the wicked delegitimisation monster where ever it might next turn up.

Fairytales are daft aren’t they?

Dear Sir Elton.

So should you perform in Israel? Well you’re going to hear some rather dubious arguments in favor of performing.
Israel is the only gay friendly in the Middle East. So what? It’s a liberal democracy it would be bizarre and shameful if it wasn’t. What next David Cameron slashing child benefit because we don’t practise child sacrifice in the UK?

And implying that because you belong to one persecuted minority you should identify automatically with all those who don’t actively persecute said minority. Is a bit patronising to say the least.

Next up Israel is the only democracy in the Middle East. Well yes, but that’s a double edged sword. Liberal democracies with the rule of law are expected to abide by their own laws and the international bodies they belong to. If Israel is a democracy that continually breaks it’s own laws then it’s a bit pointless. Kind of akin to weeping of Watership Down whilst dynamiting rabbit burrows, or beating one’s spouse with a copy of The Female Eunuch.

But I still think you should play in Israel. Why you may ask?

Israel really is a democracy, with freedom of speech. Israel doesn’t need to be ignored nor should it’s mistake be endorsed.

Play your concerts but criticise, criticise fiercely. A satirical version of Rocketman, Yellow Brick road to failed peace plan, or the Zion Kingdom?
Ask to see the wall, the camps and the checkpoints. If there is one massive diference between Israel and South Africa it’s that Israel really does have freedom of speech. It means it’s citizens truly are responsible for the decisions of it’s governments.

Second reason. The people opposing your tour do seem to have lost some perspective. They concentrate on Israel because a liberal, democracy with freedom of travel is vulnerable. Make their lives bitter enough and their young people will leave or suffer.

This is perverse to the point of madness. Iran where prodemocracy supporters are shot in the street and the rebelious, gay or just free willed face the most horrendous punishments. These countries are left alone, because why bother? Their citizens are to scared or endangered by the state to make a fuss. A vote for liberalism and freedom from opression becomes an endorsment for some of the harshest regimes in the world.

One last point. You will hear no doubt much of the homophobia of the Palestinian government. Well it’s very real, but it’s the sad result of how all opressed people will eventually turn in on themselves. The worst bullys are always those who were bullied themselves. Don’t view this as a reason not to support them. Rather take the view that this may well disapear when the opressed on all sides no longer feel put upon.

Sardonicus has now voted, and if you haven’t – go out and vote. What are you? Fascists or Greens or something?
 Anyway, in case you were thinking of voting for David “Call me Lucifer” Cameron here are 10 reasons not to.
Cameron is ALLEGED to have.
1 Almost used a campaign poster of him hugging a man with Downes Syndrome and a pensioner. With the tag line “I’ll take care of them.” He is is winking, and there are 2 chimneys billowing smoke behind him.
2 Planned to sell the BBC to international pornographer Larry Flynt. BBC 1 and BBC2 will be renamed BBC tits and BBC bums. Radio 4 will be renamed Radio Sodomy (though this has been planned some years ago).
3 Refuses to read the Daily Mail. He reads the Grauniad as he loves bad spelling and grammar.
4 Has kicked more dogs on his campaign trail than any politician since Gladstone. If made Prime Minister he is planning to taunt the Queen’s corgis by flicking peanuts at them.
5 Is so evil Pope Benedict’s visit this year is to advise the Chief Rabbi and Archbishop of Cantebury on how to carry out an exorcism on 10 Downing Street if he gets in.
6 Has hired Uri Geller as a psychic mercenary to make Gordon smile like a sex offender and tell rubbish jokes.
7 Has built Boris Johnson in a secret lab in Eton. He is planning to clone buffoonish mayors for every town in England.
8 Is planning to tax wanking, farting and nose picking.
9 Will make hetrosexuals pay a none-gay license every year costing £500, or be forced to be gay.
10 Is a posh cock planning to use England’s worst recession as an excuse to give massive tax breaks to his rich chums and open up the whole welfare state, NHS etc etc to massive investment by said rich friends. Making himself the pimp for England to super the rich.

So with the election tomorrow Dr Sardonicus is finally going to throw in his tuppence worth. And it is bluntly hold your nose and vote Labor or hold back your laughter and vote Liberal. But what ever you do hold onto your common sense and don’t vote Conservative. David Camerons’s campign has crept towards the electorate like Arnold Shwarzenegger at the end of Terminator. Each blow revealing more and more of the monster underneath. Who ever is in power is going to have riase taxes and slash spending, that’s life. But only one party seems to view this as a gleeful chance for social engineering.

If the BBC has the license fee redivided it won’t come back and a shining institution will not return. Further Sardonicus would like to point out the following .

1 Any party who claims they can save money by predominantly cutting waste is lying. Ok lets say your boss cut your wages by 30% and suggested you could do it by effincey cuts. Could you really slash your loo roll costs by buying more soap? Socks by 50% if you hopped every where? Pornography costs by buying a mirror, blond wig and a bikini stuffed with cotton wool? There is waste in everything it’s life, we’re not robots yet (maybe IDS?)

2 Big society. Means fuck off and do it yourself. The next time some one offers Sardonicus a Big Issue he will yell Big Society back! Investing in communities is an expensive business not a cheapo save. Albiet big society could be a wonderous new insult.

3 Just who are in the conservatives? A rag bag of fundamentalist christians (trying to save us from gayness, can’t gays try and save us from christinaity?) eurosceptics who feel common cause with resurgent Nazis and a very large number of people who feel the less you earnt the more tax you should pay.
(Sardonicus looks forward to hearing “spare some change for my massive tax hike).

There’s more but Sardonicus is busy. So get off your arses and vote. And young people why do all parties suck upto the old? It’s because they vote and you don’t you bunch of big societies.

C’mon vote Cameron out. It’ll be fun to see the metrosexual git had to shag his wife (something I suspect eh doesn’t enjoy..)and didn’t even get into power.

Dr Sardonicus has been feeling very popular as he has had almost a 100 comments on his estimable blog. But something is a bit suspect. Why are Nike Trainers and Viagra complementing his errudition (Viagra well he is a bit of a stuck up dick)? This would appear to be a particularly irritating new form of spam. It looks like Sardonicus is being agreed with, when in fact it’s a sly chance to peddle their wears.

Well you naughty purveyors of adverts be warned here are the next few topics for Sardonicus.

1 Pope Benny should be made a saint for protecting priests from lasvicious choir boys.
2 Solve world hunger by reintroducing cannibalism
3 And worst of all, Gordon Brown deserves another pop at being primeminister.

There have some fun endorsing that lot.

Sardonicus has been delighted by TV recently. Expressionist theatre has returned to the goggle box. A strange play where 3 men stand on a stripped stage each furiously declaring they aren’t anything like the other 2. But at the same time desperately trying to be the other 2.

Of course I am referring to the leadership debates. And what an unflattering light they have cast upon the whole sorry electoral process. Brown grins like a paedophile watching the police walking up his garden path. David and Nick are the same person, would they like antimatter twins anihilate the universe if they got to close. And like a stopped up toilet when the Nora virus is about the political diarhea flows over into the press. The Sun hurls furious abuse at Clegg. At the last count I think they had him down as a Nazi, a plutocrat and Dutch. Only the third would appear to be true and perhaps the most forgivable? (c’mon Rupert that Vim thingy that fascist Dutch and you love him oh yes you do). But in the Guardian Polly Toynbee howls like a Sabine Woman on a date with Jack Tweedy (Sardonicus wants some smart arse points for that reference). That the Conservatives will make Sure Start centres only available to poor people. Oh how will the middle classes cope with out 2 hours of free child care from poorly educated salad dodgers? Cameron’s plan to put the money back into health visitors maybe his only truly good idea.

God Sardonicus is so bored. Who ever gets into power will butcher spending and raise taxes. But heaven forfend we might have a grown up discussion about it. Because we’ve become a nervous creeping population. We moan and complain at the thought we might have to get a slightly lesser car than we want, we might have to shock horror not go on a foreign holiday.

So you want some radical policies? Try these.

1 Arm all TV license inspectors. Shooting the kind of person who doesn’t pay TV license, has a TV license and argues with officials should make all sorts of savings.

2 Solve illegal immigration by digging another exit from the channel tunnel that comes out in Canada. That’ll teach them to be Canadian or something.

3 Bring in conscription for the over 70s. Well they haven’t got that much to live for with the pension scheme being screwed, fit them with martyrdom colostomy bags.

4 Bring in conscriptions for the under 12s. Avoiding getting killed in an idiotic foreign adventure is a far better test of ability than some overly simplified test.

Will add more when Sardonicus can be bothered.

If you ever watch channel 5, the Discovery channel whatever. You will notice pretty swiftly that there are 3 programs they specialise in animals eating each other, animals humping each other and of course the daddy. The number one favourite Nazis.
Sardonicus suspects Ofcom put it’s foot down on mixing those 3 up (work it out your self it’s not a pretty picture).

But surely these Nazi documentaries are getting a little well erm dull? Hitler’s stealth fighter, evil secrets of World War 2, the SS they’re all a bit samey. None of them are really Claud Landsman’s shoah. They all seem to appeal to a certain type of person. The kind of fellow who hangs around the Imperial War Museum and spends a little bit to much stroking the big V2.

The problem is they’re all a bit been there done that. The Nazis were good fighting, better at killing and wore some spiffing uniforms. They’re all produced by companies like Cromwell or Iron fist productions. And most seem to be voiced by RObert Powell.

Well you lazy sods Dr S has done some research for you! An entirely new subject, the last dark secret of World War 2.

According to the biography of Hitler’s bodyguard. Adolf liked a bit of a joke. Some of his classics included.

1 Accusing of Goering of promoting his underpants to overpants.
2 Telling Goering when he ate pork, he was the only pig that ate it’s own flesh.
3 Giving Goering tinfoil medals to wear on his pyjamas.

Not only are these pretty good gags. But they have a thematic unity, Hitler the ultimate skinny little shnip focussed all of his humour on his poor fat bastard air marshal (imagine commanding 10,000 stukas, jet fighters making whole cities quake and the boss still calls you fatty boom boom, it’d drive anyone to massive drug addiction). Sardonicus is amused that the dreadfully pompous German film Downfall (the one where all the Germans go “shit you mean the Nazis have been running this country for 6 years, have they done anything naughty?”). got it wrong. Hitler was spending his final hours planning an ever more elaborate prank to play on Goerring not raving at generals. Maybe Goering deliberately lost the battle of Britain jsut to get back at Hitler?

What a slogan for an antibullying campaign? Bullying can lead to the Russian army invading and bombing your city flat, don’t do it!

So Robert Powell if you are free? Fancy doing the voice of for Sardonicus’s first documentary “Hitler the lighter side of genocide.”

A while ago Dr S raised the idea that by being in some situations, one has last one’s argument. Woken up paralysed, staring into a blinding light and fairly sure that the William Hague looking alien fella with the long finger has sinister intentions for your bottom. Well then looks like you lost the argument about alien abductions (that or you’ve just been inducted into the Bullingdon club). You’re planes heading towards the ground, everyone’s shouting at you and your bottoms on fire. You shouldn’t have bought those bargain, Yemeni, Yfronts.

Which lead Dr S to the following point. When you find yourself having to apologise to an entire country, you’re massive faith organisation is in a lot of trouble. Yes Pope Benedict in the unlikely chance you’re reading this then Dr Sardonicus is adressing you.

Oh and whilst he’s on the subject. Those US bishops trying to block Obama’s health care bill. Because it’s better to have less free health care then possibly fund an elective abortion (which the bill won’t). C’mon can’t they open a monastery on Tristan da Cunha (they can condemn the penguins as an abomination) or Mars or somewhere. Better to listen to the 59,000 nuns who want it to go through. (It might even help with those rumours you find girls a bit yucky and clicky your red Prada heels together when watching The Wizard of Oz).

Just say sorry accept some blame. Your organisation serially covered up child abuse, it happened move on. And frankly instructing your leadership to avoid normal sex relationships, wear black and listen to people’s confessions? Were you trying to recruit an army of papal batmen?

Say sorry sell the Vatican and the Turin shroud. Distribute the funds to the victims and what ever’s left to the poor. The cistine chapel would make a kick ass Wetherspoons. And don’t those poor benited Italians deserve cheap steak Tuesday and the Wetherspoon beer festival? Just don’t sell it to Starbucks that would be sinful.

I’m sure Bono will still visit if you move offices to Doncaster. And I doubt this will affect the millions of Catholics dedicated to feeding the poor, educating the ignorant and healing the sick. Heck people will probably pay more attention to them.

Dr Sardonicus has ever been watching television. Damn you goggle box! Your sweet glass teet keeps inteferring with my plans for world domination. As soon as my Virgin cable cuts out, expect a rampaging army of Gordon Brown Gordon Ramsey hybrids. Hurling fax machines and f bombs, Sardonicus’s day will come!

But in the mean time Sardonicus has watched 2 programs one fab and one disapointing. A bit like choosing between the Cheeky Girls and getting the one that was smeared with Lembit Optics.

When Chimpanzees attack.

Ooh what a tease! Here we have endless descriptions of the strength of chimpanzees, they’re almost human propensity for extreme violence. And here we would had the world’s stupidest monkey owner. How stupid? He had a porn star moustache and was from America (but not the clever bits that voted for Obama). He had a pet monkey six times stronger than a human being. Said chimpanzee was getting old and “mean.” To keep this angry simian entertained he; taught it kungfu (and it got pretty damn good, Steven Segal before he got fat good), how to use power tools and a big hammer, I think he might even have let it fire a gun. He also tickled teased it and got in it’s cage. It was like watching Micheal Jackson try it on with Mike Tyson. Then when happened? Nothing what a blooming swizz! Man and chimpanzee are apparently still living happily together to this day. This is the level of disapointment suffered by Paddington bear when he got sent back to Peru to be killed by the Shining Path guerillas.

Thes second show sounded far less promising. Elephants the dark side. What dark side? Jumbo’s mum going all estate mum on the audience? Excessive peanut consumption? Trunk water spraying malarkey? Elephants you’re just to cute, coochee coo, you’re not scary.

The fuck. They’re murderous 6 tonne sex maniacs. Once a year jumbo gets the horn (or the must as it’s better known). Then they pick up their mahout and rip him in half and go on a killing rampage. As one erudite Indian elephant put it, they carry out the wisdom of Solomon.

They ambush cars, steal gallons of beer and generally run amok. The psychos can even take a shotgun to the noggin and keep coming. One called Lord Rahnu was actually a genuine serial killer. Knocking on people’s doors with his trunk, then ripping their heads off when they answer (it’s what the spyhole and chain are for, did you even ask for ID?) Bloody hell he’s way scarier than Hannibal Lecter, perhaps the star of the next Silence of the Lambs movie?

Sardonicus has stopped answering his door. Though in his nightmare these elephantine murderers are no longer satisfied with mere murder and they pursue him with threatening texts.

More realistically he hopes his neighbours didn’t watch the show. Frankly the pitbull poop is enough of a nuisance.