Surely some subjects are not fit for comedy?  Can ethnic cleanisng ever be suggested as a fascist brand of detergent?  Did Fritzell incest on stuff with his daughter?

Awful unfunny jokes aren’t they?  But some times a situation is so horrible you kinda have to laugh at it, because there are times (they’re rare) when being serious doesn’t help.  Some situations are so impossible you have to laugh at them.

Jon Venables is back in prison.  For looking up childporn.  The little bastard.  I bet the Sun bought a giant ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins in the shape of a gallows to celebrate this news day.

The thing that scares Sardonicus is he was accused of  obtaining level 4 child porn (on a scale of 1-5),  Sardonicus is assuming that level 4 is pretty vile and level 5 would make your head explode in disgust.  But he’s rather more concerned about level 3 and level 1.  See for there to be level 4by defnition there’d have to be 1.  What would 1 be Dora the Explorer?  A mirror(a kid might look into it)?  The problem is that our anger at a bum hole like Venables permits us to reduce everyone else’s rights a level.  Venables is a serious sex offender, what’s a minor one?  And how do we prevent Jonathon King travelling back in time to abuse his younger self?  Sardonicus would like to point out all the pornography he owns contains images of dark matter, quazars and Piltdown man.

But even more concerning is the howls of John Vennables has lost his human rights.  He hasn’t it’s kinda the point.  If human rights belong to the least of us, they will belong to the rest of us. People do stupid, vile, unimaginable things fortunately not every day.    Or else we are left with  paedophiles and murderers passing each on the motorway into their respective secret exiles.  The only way to not fear the stranger in our midst is to know everyone in your community.  It might be a step closer to some one in Venables being helped when he was the lost boy and not the monsterous adult.

1

4 PEOPLE SITTING IN A CRAMPED ROOM WITH BOXES AND BUNK BEDS, THERE IS A BIG AIRLOCK STYLE HATCH IN THE WALL.(IT WOULD APPEAR TO BE AN ATOMIC BUNKER)

3 COVER THEIR EYES,

SCREEN GOES BLANK

WE’RE NOW BACK IN THE ROOM, THE 4TH PERSON IS UNCONVINCINGLY HIDING UNDER A CARDBOARD BOX,

THE OTHER 3 POINT AND LAUGH

3 COVER THEIR EYES.

SCREEN GOES BLANK

WE’RE BACK IN THE ROOM, THE 4TH PERSON IN PUSHING THEMSELVES UP AGAINST THE WALL.

THE OTHER 3 POINT AND LAUGH.

3 COVER THEIR EYES

SCREEN GOES BLANK

WE’RE NOW BACK IN THE ROOM, THE 4TH PERSON IS GONE.

THE OTHER 3 LOOK UNDER BEDS, IN BOXES.

THEY GIVE UP AND SHRUG.

THE 4TH PERSON COMES IN THE HATCH HE’S BURNT, AND IRADIATED.

HE POINTS AT THE OTHER 3 AND LAUGHS.

2

A MIME IS DOING HIS CRAPPY ROUTINE AT COVENT GARDEN

A FEW BORED TOURISTS WATCH,

A MAN WALKS BY, THE MIME DOES THAT ANNOYING PRETENDING TO FOLLOW HIM.

GUY TURNS AND JOKINGLY MAKES A SHOOTY FINGERS GESTURE AT THE MIME.

THE MIMES HEAD EXPLODES

THE MAN IS DRAGGED OFF BY THE POLICE.

3

A WOMAN IS HURRYING THROUGH THE UNDERGROUND WITH ONE OF THOSE LITTLE PINK SUIT CASES ON WHEELS. IT KEEPS CLIPPING OTHER PEOPLES ANKLES WHO SHAKE THEIR FISTS AT HER.

SHE GETS ON A TUBE AND SITS DOWN. A BIG HAIRY TRAVELLER TYPE SITS NEXT TO HER, PUTING HIS BIG RUCKSACK ON THE FLOOR, SHE LOOKS DISDAINFULLY AT HIM.

SHE THEN SHRIEKS.

HIS RUCKSACK IS HUMPING HER CASE, IT’S STRAPS FLAPPING LIKE A NAUGHTY DOG’S EARS.

I wrote these about 2 years ago as part of yet another aborted sketch show project.  In this case a silent sketch show.  Anyone fancy animating them?

More oddments from my old writings.  Have fun and thanks for reading!

Find some one with one right leg and you’ve saved 50% on shoes.

Sounds like the reindeer that came after Cupid you must be able to guess this one.

No it’s not an organ donor card. With what you’ve got we want to pickle you for future generations.

Do you like babies? Because you’re going to be changing loads of nappies…you’re own.

Do you you have a very good friend, with a very long finger?

Alonse!

Well now what’s he going to piss out of?

I said prick his boil (ok it’s an oldie but a goodie)

Lufthansa give so much free booze (in heavy Nigerian accent)

We can save everything…south of the eyebrows

http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/2010/02/28/10600/the_great_tangerine_debacle

So Sardonicus was right.

Hear that Telegraph readers Dr Sardonicus is smarter than your flatulent broadsheet.

Where’s your Messiah now?

And well done Robert Popper.  For “popping” the pomposity of newspaper drivel.  Except both the sun edited “citric idiot” to “idiot” me thinks they spotted a wind up.  And played dumb for a good headline.

That’s a bit naughty isn’t it? And a tad unconvincing.

Kinda like shooting John Charles De Menezes because he looked like an escaped tiger.

A WOMAN IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET PUSHING A PRAM

A CAT JUMPS ONTO THE HOOD OF THE PRAM, IT LOOKS INTO THE BODY OF THE PRAM AND FALLS IN SUPPOSEDLY FROM SHOCK

THE CAT FLYS OUT OF THE PRAM AND RUNS UP A TREE AND HISSES AT THE PRAM
THE CAT’S HAIR STANDS ON END SO VIOLENTLY IT’S HAIR EXPLODES OFF OF IT’S BODY LEAVING IT BALD AND ENRAGED

THE WOMAN PUSHES THE PRAM UNDER A TREE AS SHE WALKS PAST A GREAT MANY PIGEONS AND SQUIRRELS FALL STUNNED FROM THE TREE

THE WOMAN PUSHES THE PRAM UP AN “URBAN STREET” DAVID CAMERON IS DOING ONE OF HIS MAN OF THE PEOPLE BULLSHIT ATTEMPTS TO MIX WITH COMMON TYPES.

HE LEANS OVER THE PRAM PURSING HIS FEMININE LIPS.

A SHEET OF THICK GREEN VOMIT FLYS OUT OF THE PRAM AND COATS HIS SMUG LINE LESS ETONIAN HEAD.

This is a script for an animation which will probably never get made (Sardonicus sent it to Disney with a drawing of Mickey tied to a chair in a cellar, you never know?)  It’s in capitals cos that’s what you do for stage directions innnit.

Later Homes.

WOMAN WALKING DOWN THE ROAD WITH A PRAM

A LITTLE OLD LADY LOOKS IN THE PRAM SMILES, THEN SCOWLS, THEN VOMITS IN THE PRAM.

WOMAN WITH PRAM PASSES BY ABORTION CLINC, PROTESTORS WITH PLACARDS PROTEST OUTSIDE

THEY GATHER ROUND THE PRAM.

THEN WALK OFF AND BIN THEIR SIGNS

WOMAN WITH PRAM WALKS ALONG A BRIDGE A MAN IS WAITING TO JUMP OFF.

HE CLIMBS OFF THE BARRIER AND LOOKS IN THE PRAM, HE SMILES THEN HIS FACE FREEZES IN TERROR

HE RUNS BACK TO THE BRIDGE AND VAULTS OFF HEAD FIRST.

The Sun did how ever have the greatest ever rumour about our fightin’ mad PM.

He’s visiting a factory.  He gets a bad phone call on his mobile.  He then throws a satsuma into a laminating machine breaking said machine.  He then shouts at one of his aides “Why did you give me a satsuma?”

This raises the follow question.  Why do his aides give him satsumas when he is angry?  Is it a case of

“Crikey he’s going bananas give him some fruit that might calm him down.”

Which makes you wander if the aides to the leader of the free world (uk division) have mistaken their boss for a poorly socialised chimpanzee.

or did they think.

“The shouty loons gone bonkers give him some fruit that should be good for a laugh.”

In which case a career in Jackass 3 could be in the offing.

Either way thank you Sun for cheering up my Tube journey.  I’m off to post a pineapple to big ears off that Sunday news program, that should be fun.

Of course it could be some verminous Sun journalist offered a couple of hundred squids to who ever wanted to drop shit on their boss and one of them got creative…

So our primeminister is a bit fighty?  Not so much the “Incredible Hulk” more the “Incredible Sulk.”  Arf arf how funny he shouts, throws phones and punches helpless car seats.  What a rotter, what a total psychotic, Vivian from the Young Ones raging unpredictable bastard eh?  Hope they’re keeping the redbutton away from him. Cos if you don’t salt his porridge he’ll nuke Norway!  I heard his tea was luke warm one day and he punched Alistair Darling grey and black.

What pathetic nonsense. 

And broadsheets I am frankly disapointed at your massive coverage on Sunday.  Are we getting closer to Germain Greer nudey on pge 3 of the Guardian?  And the Sunday Times doorstepping Oxford Dons who shag their professor’s wives? 

This is a none story of the highest order.  Some of the staff called the bullying helpline?  Guess what with really scary bosses people don’t, they’re too scared to.  And he grabbed a senior civil servant for losing 20,000,000 adresses?  I think in his case I’d have grabbed more than his lapels.

When I read about the “volcanic temper” of Brown I quite like him. Infact I think I may vote for him.  Because I see a man who when faced with an economy dependent on keeping the kind  of bankers you wouldn’t want looking after your cat (they’d downsize it into a pie or possibly jsut shag it).  Loses his temper, abuses his phone, humiliates secretaries with his fast typing skills and possibly ruffles Millebands annoyingly neat hair.

Compare him to the smooth blandness of Clegg and Cameron.  Two fellows who suspect may not have nipples or body hair.  And I see someone who is angry and flayingly around.  But at least he seems aware there’s something to be angry about.

Any way I look forward to the documentary of his life.  No doubt sponsored by Nokia’s new Primeminister proof phone.

Dear Nick,

I hope you don’t mind me being so informal.  But everyone seems to be calling politicians by their first names these days.  I would like to congratulate on your principled stand on refusing to investigate Baroness Tonges’ accusation of antisemitism, for accusing Israeli doctors of stealing disaster victims organs.  These accusations came from a most reliable source; Al Manar TV of Lebanon.  Far better to believe a nation with no aide workers on the ground.  Than the 100s of other workers from dozens of other countries who must have been to busy saving people to notice this heinous act.  I believe President Almajilabad of Iran made a similar accusation.   Unfortunately he was unable to investigate as most of his police were kicking protestors in the balls at the time and allegedly shoving broomsticks up their backsides in prison.  Perhaps you should go all the way and encourage the CIA to send a mercy flight to Tehran packed full of boots and broomsticks (but don’t ask Charles Kennedy to do it as he’ll probably send several copies of Bed Knobs and Broomsticks).

Nick some uncharitable people would think your showing a slight case of the Chilcotts about this event because…. well I hate to say this but because you think all Muslims vote the same.  That all UK Muslims will gladly join behind anyone who supports luridly, antisemitic/anti Zionist views.  And well you do want to be a kingmaker in a hung parliament don’t you?  Some one who thought might be accused of being a little theistic or atleast watching a little to  much Star Trek the Next Generation. Because Nick, Muslim’s are not Borg they won’t all vote for who ever shouts at Israel the loudest. They may even wander why a supposedly mainstream politcians needs such cheap showmanship?  They may even question his integrity and willingness to stand by them when things get tough.  They may even start to wander if the BNP has atleast got a little integrity to go with their short hair cuts?

Oh and Baroness Tonge wasn’t being antisemitic I’m sure when she made the accusations.  She might have been in 2006 when she said “”"The pro-Israeli lobby has got its grips on the western world, its financial grips. I think they’ve probably got a grip on our party.” But I’m sure that’s a misunderstanding.  Just as much as if I implied that she’s never been able to cater a Lib Dem event as the thought of “Tonge Sandwiches” all around is almost as sickening as a party leader who sells his parties soul for a few votes he won’t get.

Yours Dr S (a LibDem…still)

Dr S would like to apologise for the dreadful pun in the last line.  It was that or write about Nick holding his Tonge. Or even being Tonge tied as he awaits a Tinge lashing.

There are certain times that your current situation means you’ve lost an argument. 

Face full of tear gas, bruised testicle and queuing to sign on the sex offender’s register?  That date didn’t go well.

Sitting upside down on the side of the motorway, whilst some one shouts “run it’s about to explode.” Then you should have gotten your brakes looked at.

Some arguments by the very nature of the immutable laws of the universe are failed arguments.  McDonald’s isn’t healthy,  Tesco’s are not benevolent they want to rule us all.  So why this rather gnomic introduction to Dr S’s usual aimless witterings.  Because Dr Sardonicus would like to make one thing to Mr Blair clear, in the highly unlikely chance he should read this blog.

You only have enquiries after you lost a war.  If you’re in an enquiry you messed up. End of.

Alexander the Great never deffended killing all them Persians, Churchill never had to defend D Day, even Thatch got a free pass for the Falklands.  For heaven’s sake no one really cares anymore.  You’re not going to be EU president, or Pope or chairman of the Mickey Mouse club or what ever stupid job you thought you’d earned.  You’re not going to prison take pleasure in that.

The only truly sad thing about Chilcott is that you’re supposed to have a comission after the war is over.  Liking eating a big sandwich at the beach you’re supposed to wait at least an hour before invading another country. 

Because half a mile from Chilcott the continuing war on Afghanistan is being planned.  And in the office next door the future invasion of Iran is being planned.  Is there a map with little coloured flags to make sure each country is liberated in strict rotation?  If you got the maps mixed up wouldn’t that be a shocker!  You’d end up invading Mongolia at the same time you were pacifying it.

Except some countries really don’t need to fear liberation all that much.   Congo seems quite safe as does Sudan and Georgia.  

I wander why that is?

Maybe it’s just a bit unsporting to invade a country that’s having a civil war that kills millions, selling it’s oil to China, or being used as a parking lot by the Russian army?  Is the world that cynical?

Does the Pope’s bear wear a silly hat whilst crapping in the wood?