To follow on from his previous post Dr Sardonicus would like to offer this fine piece of writing to Mr Smalljohnson. C’mon your mate Murdoch would make it. You’d be like the right wing, small minded Twilight Zone. I’d ask Sootyj to write you one about “The day political correctness went MAD!” or something.

And gosh knows poor Sootyj needs the work.

RICHARD LITTLEJOHN IS ADRESSING THE AUDIENCE HE’S SMOKING . HE LOOKS LIKE A NECROPHILIAC WITH THE KEYS TO THE MORTUARY.

RICHARD.

Good evening white Britain, unless you’re gay. Piss off you nancies, you won’t fruit me up. I’m Richard Little John and welcome to the Daily Mail World of Mystery Imagination. Picture a school like any other, but 5 minutes into the future.

KID WALKING TO SCHOOL IN BLAZER WITH A RUCKSACK, WHISTLING GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.

RICHARD VO OOV

This is Johnny Britain, a school kid like any other you might think. But no he’s the last of his kind, in The Planet of the Hoodies.

JOHNNY TAKES A HOODY OUT OF HIS BAG PULLS IT OVER HIS HEAD, HE THEN PULLS OUT A MOBILE PHONE AND STARTS PLAYING SOME GOD AWFUL MUSIC AT HIGH VOLUME. HE NOW TAKES OUT A KNIFE AND WALKS ALONG STABBING IT RANDOMLY IN FRONT OF HIM.

HE ADOPTS A BENT OVER SHUFFLE THAT MAKES HIS TROUSERS FALL DOWN ROUND HIS ANKLES.

HE STAGGERS LIKE THIS TO SCHOOL.

HE REACHES THE SCHOOL,

THERE IS A SIGN ON THE FRONT.

“St Myra Hindley inner city academy,”

UNDERNEATH IS WRITTEN (WITH LATIN TRANSLATION)

“If you can read this then who the fuck are you looking at smart arse?”

WE SEE ALL THE BOYS ARE IN HOODIES WITH TROUSERS ROUND THEIR ANKLES STABBING AT RANDOM, ALL THE GIRLS ARE IN BURQAS. EVERY ONE IS SMOKING CRACK, HAVING SEX, OR DRINKING ALCOPOPS (OFTEN AT THE SAME TIME).

THERE IS A GIANT BONFIRE OF BIBLES, FAMILY PETS AND PICTURES OF THE QUEEN AND THATCHER.

JOHNNY LOOKS AT A PICTURE OF THE QUEEN BEING BURNT. THERE IS MAYBE A QUIET, PATRIOTIC SOB FROM UNDER HIS HOODY.

THE HEADMISTRESS COMES OUT TO RING THE BELL, SHE IS A CONJOINED TWIN THAT’S HAVING AN INCESTUOS LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP WITH HER SELF.

HEADMISTRESS

Morning School.

KIDS

Fuck off Miss.

HEADMISTRESS

Good, good right before the national anthem, we’ve had some discipline problems.
Some of our pupils, have bee unmutual.

PUPILS RELEASE A LOW BESTIAL SNARL.

HEADMISTRESS

Jenkins, not wearing a Burqa.

JENKINS IS PUSHED TO THE FRONT OF THE KIDS HE’S QUITE FAT.

JENKINS

But I’m a boy miss!

HEADMISTRESS

No Jenkins, your moobs are big enought to reclassify you as a girl.
Next Nutella Jenkins, 14 not pregnant, and not trying to get a council flat.

A GIRL IS PUSHED TO THE FRONT OF THE KIDS.

NUTELLA

But I want to goto Uni miss.

HEADMISTRESS

You’re just making it worse for yourself. And last of all Gob-shite senior, I can barely bring my self to say this. Jenkins was caught with a book.

KIDS HOWL.

HEADMISTRESS

With words and no pictures.

KIDS GO BERZERK AND PUSH GOB-SHITE TO THE FRONT.

HEADMISTRESS

Now carry out your exams.

THE KIDS DESCEND LIKE IN NOSFERATU, THE 3 MISFORTUNATES DISAPEAR BENEATH THE MASS OF BODIES.

JOHNNY HOLDS BACK AS MUCH AS HE CAN.

THEY EVENTUALLY LEAVE THE BODIES ALONE.

HEADMISTRESS

Well done kids you all passed your SATs with A stars. Now for the national anthem.

KIDS SING “You’re going to get your head kicked in,” TO THE TUNE OF HOPE AND GLORY.

JIMMY IS WALKING HOME, HE SEE’S AN OLD LADY STRUGGLING TO CROSS THE ROAD.

HE JOGS OVER AND HELPS HER.

OLDLADY

Ooh thank you, ere you’re a hoody intcha?

JOHNNY STARTS TO RUN REALSISING HIS MISTAKE.

OLDLADY SCREAMS.

He’s not one of us, he’s politically incorrect!

A PACK OF HOODIES WITH DOGS PURSUE HIM.

BACK IN THE STUDIO

RICHARD IS ADRESSING THE VIEWERS WITH AN EXPRESSION LIKE A NECROPHILIAC MORITCIAN THAT’S BEEN LEFT ALONE WITH PRINCESS DIANA

A few from a nightmare future? Or what’s happening in out schools right now!

People of Britain vote Cameron, till we manage to clone Enoch Powell.

And here’s Sootyj’s famous treaties on the dangers of racism. Also known as “Racist chemist with a small penis sketch”

A BEAUTIFUL BLOND WOMAN, IN 1920s STYLE DRESS/HAIR etc IS TALKING TO A GRUMPY WHITE ENGLISH CHEMIST.

CHEMIST

I don’t bloody care the average ENGLISH penis is 4 inches long, if your boyfriend wants bigger ones, he can sod off back to Africa.

WOMAN

He’s not from Africa, he’s from Skull Island you racist.

CHEMIST

I don’t care if he’s from the ruddy Isle of Mann, he’s not even human!

WOMAN

I’m leaving I’ll do you under the EU human rights act, come on Kong we’ll get some johnnies at the Esso.

SHE WALKS OUTSIDE WE CAN SEE KING KONG WAITING FOR HER.

CHEMIST

Aye try the house of fun, it’s quicker if you run.

WE HERE A LOUD STOMPING OUTSIDE.

CHEMIST

Oh Mr G I’ve got your johnnies, extra small, I know how poorly endowed you nips are.

CHEMIST IS ANNIHILATED BY A BLAST OF ATOMIC FIRE.

OUTSIDE WE SEE KONG MAKING SMALL COCK GESTURES AT GODZILLA.

GODZILLA SHOVES HIM INTO A SKY SCRAPER

CHAOS ENSUES

Dr Sardonicus would like to make it clear his dear friend Sootyj is not infact Richard Littlejohn.

Both Max Clifford and Clifford the Big Red Dog have been summoned. As has that lawyer that got OJ off when he went a bit stabby.

The Littlejohn article

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1257370/RICHARD-LITTLEJOHN-I-look-.html

The Sootyj original

http://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/16369/

VO
And now from the first ever priminsterial debate what is the difference between the 3 parties?
CAMERON: I look down on Brown because I am an Etonian and I can smile.
BROWN: I look up to Cameron because he went to Eton; but I look down on Clegg because he is a midget in a tiny party.
CLEGG: I know my place. I look up to them both. But I don’t look up to Brown as much as I look up to Cameron, because he has got innate breeding and two eyes.
CAMERON I have got innate breeding, but I have not got any policies. So sometimes I look up to him Brown and pinch his.
BROWN: I still look up to him Cameron because although I have policies people think, I am an idiot. But I am not as pointless as Clegg so I still look down on him the short arse
CLEGG: I know my place. I look up to them both; but while I have no votes, I am honest, industrious and proEuropean. Had I the inclination, I could look down on them. But I don’t.
BROWN: We all know our place, but what do we get out of it?
CAMERON: No second term for you Bagpuss.
BROWN: And you get the mess I left the economy in.
CAMERON: I get a feeling of superiority over them…and everyone else
BROWN: I get a feeling of inferiority from Cameron but a feeling of superiority over him Clegg
CLEGG: I get to choose which one of them gets to be prime minister. I am a pain in the neck.

——————————————————————————–

Littlejohn maybe a racist, bigotted, sexist, homophobic, spawn of satan. Who is partially responsible for how truly crappy the world is and I suspect leaks a mixture of marmite and pus out of his pores. But this shows he is indeed a fine comedy writer. Albeit not as as good as Sootyj (who is exactly as good as Dr Sardonicus).

That and he likes Israel which can only be a good thing.

Surely some subjects are not fit for comedy?  Can ethnic cleanisng ever be suggested as a fascist brand of detergent?  Did Fritzell incest on stuff with his daughter?

Awful unfunny jokes aren’t they?  But some times a situation is so horrible you kinda have to laugh at it, because there are times (they’re rare) when being serious doesn’t help.  Some situations are so impossible you have to laugh at them.

Jon Venables is back in prison.  For looking up childporn.  The little bastard.  I bet the Sun bought a giant ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins in the shape of a gallows to celebrate this news day.

The thing that scares Sardonicus is he was accused of  obtaining level 4 child porn (on a scale of 1-5),  Sardonicus is assuming that level 4 is pretty vile and level 5 would make your head explode in disgust.  But he’s rather more concerned about level 3 and level 1.  See for there to be level 4by defnition there’d have to be 1.  What would 1 be Dora the Explorer?  A mirror(a kid might look into it)?  The problem is that our anger at a bum hole like Venables permits us to reduce everyone else’s rights a level.  Venables is a serious sex offender, what’s a minor one?  And how do we prevent Jonathon King travelling back in time to abuse his younger self?  Sardonicus would like to point out all the pornography he owns contains images of dark matter, quazars and Piltdown man.

But even more concerning is the howls of John Vennables has lost his human rights.  He hasn’t it’s kinda the point.  If human rights belong to the least of us, they will belong to the rest of us. People do stupid, vile, unimaginable things fortunately not every day.    Or else we are left with  paedophiles and murderers passing each on the motorway into their respective secret exiles.  The only way to not fear the stranger in our midst is to know everyone in your community.  It might be a step closer to some one in Venables being helped when he was the lost boy and not the monsterous adult.

1

4 PEOPLE SITTING IN A CRAMPED ROOM WITH BOXES AND BUNK BEDS, THERE IS A BIG AIRLOCK STYLE HATCH IN THE WALL.(IT WOULD APPEAR TO BE AN ATOMIC BUNKER)

3 COVER THEIR EYES,

SCREEN GOES BLANK

WE’RE NOW BACK IN THE ROOM, THE 4TH PERSON IS UNCONVINCINGLY HIDING UNDER A CARDBOARD BOX,

THE OTHER 3 POINT AND LAUGH

3 COVER THEIR EYES.

SCREEN GOES BLANK

WE’RE BACK IN THE ROOM, THE 4TH PERSON IN PUSHING THEMSELVES UP AGAINST THE WALL.

THE OTHER 3 POINT AND LAUGH.

3 COVER THEIR EYES

SCREEN GOES BLANK

WE’RE NOW BACK IN THE ROOM, THE 4TH PERSON IS GONE.

THE OTHER 3 LOOK UNDER BEDS, IN BOXES.

THEY GIVE UP AND SHRUG.

THE 4TH PERSON COMES IN THE HATCH HE’S BURNT, AND IRADIATED.

HE POINTS AT THE OTHER 3 AND LAUGHS.

2

A MIME IS DOING HIS CRAPPY ROUTINE AT COVENT GARDEN

A FEW BORED TOURISTS WATCH,

A MAN WALKS BY, THE MIME DOES THAT ANNOYING PRETENDING TO FOLLOW HIM.

GUY TURNS AND JOKINGLY MAKES A SHOOTY FINGERS GESTURE AT THE MIME.

THE MIMES HEAD EXPLODES

THE MAN IS DRAGGED OFF BY THE POLICE.

3

A WOMAN IS HURRYING THROUGH THE UNDERGROUND WITH ONE OF THOSE LITTLE PINK SUIT CASES ON WHEELS. IT KEEPS CLIPPING OTHER PEOPLES ANKLES WHO SHAKE THEIR FISTS AT HER.

SHE GETS ON A TUBE AND SITS DOWN. A BIG HAIRY TRAVELLER TYPE SITS NEXT TO HER, PUTING HIS BIG RUCKSACK ON THE FLOOR, SHE LOOKS DISDAINFULLY AT HIM.

SHE THEN SHRIEKS.

HIS RUCKSACK IS HUMPING HER CASE, IT’S STRAPS FLAPPING LIKE A NAUGHTY DOG’S EARS.

I wrote these about 2 years ago as part of yet another aborted sketch show project.  In this case a silent sketch show.  Anyone fancy animating them?

More oddments from my old writings.  Have fun and thanks for reading!

Find some one with one right leg and you’ve saved 50% on shoes.

Sounds like the reindeer that came after Cupid you must be able to guess this one.

No it’s not an organ donor card. With what you’ve got we want to pickle you for future generations.

Do you like babies? Because you’re going to be changing loads of nappies…you’re own.

Do you you have a very good friend, with a very long finger?

Alonse!

Well now what’s he going to piss out of?

I said prick his boil (ok it’s an oldie but a goodie)

Lufthansa give so much free booze (in heavy Nigerian accent)

We can save everything…south of the eyebrows

http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/2010/02/28/10600/the_great_tangerine_debacle

So Sardonicus was right.

Hear that Telegraph readers Dr Sardonicus is smarter than your flatulent broadsheet.

Where’s your Messiah now?

And well done Robert Popper.  For “popping” the pomposity of newspaper drivel.  Except both the sun edited “citric idiot” to “idiot” me thinks they spotted a wind up.  And played dumb for a good headline.

That’s a bit naughty isn’t it? And a tad unconvincing.

Kinda like shooting John Charles De Menezes because he looked like an escaped tiger.

A WOMAN IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET PUSHING A PRAM

A CAT JUMPS ONTO THE HOOD OF THE PRAM, IT LOOKS INTO THE BODY OF THE PRAM AND FALLS IN SUPPOSEDLY FROM SHOCK

THE CAT FLYS OUT OF THE PRAM AND RUNS UP A TREE AND HISSES AT THE PRAM
THE CAT’S HAIR STANDS ON END SO VIOLENTLY IT’S HAIR EXPLODES OFF OF IT’S BODY LEAVING IT BALD AND ENRAGED

THE WOMAN PUSHES THE PRAM UNDER A TREE AS SHE WALKS PAST A GREAT MANY PIGEONS AND SQUIRRELS FALL STUNNED FROM THE TREE

THE WOMAN PUSHES THE PRAM UP AN “URBAN STREET” DAVID CAMERON IS DOING ONE OF HIS MAN OF THE PEOPLE BULLSHIT ATTEMPTS TO MIX WITH COMMON TYPES.

HE LEANS OVER THE PRAM PURSING HIS FEMININE LIPS.

A SHEET OF THICK GREEN VOMIT FLYS OUT OF THE PRAM AND COATS HIS SMUG LINE LESS ETONIAN HEAD.

This is a script for an animation which will probably never get made (Sardonicus sent it to Disney with a drawing of Mickey tied to a chair in a cellar, you never know?)  It’s in capitals cos that’s what you do for stage directions innnit.

Later Homes.

WOMAN WALKING DOWN THE ROAD WITH A PRAM

A LITTLE OLD LADY LOOKS IN THE PRAM SMILES, THEN SCOWLS, THEN VOMITS IN THE PRAM.

WOMAN WITH PRAM PASSES BY ABORTION CLINC, PROTESTORS WITH PLACARDS PROTEST OUTSIDE

THEY GATHER ROUND THE PRAM.

THEN WALK OFF AND BIN THEIR SIGNS

WOMAN WITH PRAM WALKS ALONG A BRIDGE A MAN IS WAITING TO JUMP OFF.

HE CLIMBS OFF THE BARRIER AND LOOKS IN THE PRAM, HE SMILES THEN HIS FACE FREEZES IN TERROR

HE RUNS BACK TO THE BRIDGE AND VAULTS OFF HEAD FIRST.

The Sun did how ever have the greatest ever rumour about our fightin’ mad PM.

He’s visiting a factory.  He gets a bad phone call on his mobile.  He then throws a satsuma into a laminating machine breaking said machine.  He then shouts at one of his aides “Why did you give me a satsuma?”

This raises the follow question.  Why do his aides give him satsumas when he is angry?  Is it a case of

“Crikey he’s going bananas give him some fruit that might calm him down.”

Which makes you wander if the aides to the leader of the free world (uk division) have mistaken their boss for a poorly socialised chimpanzee.

or did they think.

“The shouty loons gone bonkers give him some fruit that should be good for a laugh.”

In which case a career in Jackass 3 could be in the offing.

Either way thank you Sun for cheering up my Tube journey.  I’m off to post a pineapple to big ears off that Sunday news program, that should be fun.

Of course it could be some verminous Sun journalist offered a couple of hundred squids to who ever wanted to drop shit on their boss and one of them got creative…

So our primeminister is a bit fighty?  Not so much the “Incredible Hulk” more the “Incredible Sulk.”  Arf arf how funny he shouts, throws phones and punches helpless car seats.  What a rotter, what a total psychotic, Vivian from the Young Ones raging unpredictable bastard eh?  Hope they’re keeping the redbutton away from him. Cos if you don’t salt his porridge he’ll nuke Norway!  I heard his tea was luke warm one day and he punched Alistair Darling grey and black.

What pathetic nonsense. 

And broadsheets I am frankly disapointed at your massive coverage on Sunday.  Are we getting closer to Germain Greer nudey on pge 3 of the Guardian?  And the Sunday Times doorstepping Oxford Dons who shag their professor’s wives? 

This is a none story of the highest order.  Some of the staff called the bullying helpline?  Guess what with really scary bosses people don’t, they’re too scared to.  And he grabbed a senior civil servant for losing 20,000,000 adresses?  I think in his case I’d have grabbed more than his lapels.

When I read about the “volcanic temper” of Brown I quite like him. Infact I think I may vote for him.  Because I see a man who when faced with an economy dependent on keeping the kind  of bankers you wouldn’t want looking after your cat (they’d downsize it into a pie or possibly jsut shag it).  Loses his temper, abuses his phone, humiliates secretaries with his fast typing skills and possibly ruffles Millebands annoyingly neat hair.

Compare him to the smooth blandness of Clegg and Cameron.  Two fellows who suspect may not have nipples or body hair.  And I see someone who is angry and flayingly around.  But at least he seems aware there’s something to be angry about.

Any way I look forward to the documentary of his life.  No doubt sponsored by Nokia’s new Primeminister proof phone.