You watch CSI like it’s a DIY program.
You’re disapointed by nudey porn becuase the skins still on.
The voice telling you to kill some one is only drowned out by
The voice telling you to kill everyone.
You’ve relaid your patio 5 times and isn’t it time for a 6th?
You’re a HGV driver.
When Sir Alan points at you on telly you know he’s telling you to do bad things.
You smile when you see hitchhikers.
You’ve got a porn video with the snare scene from Watership Down and the bit where Bambi’s mum gets offed.
You’re dog won’t fucking shut up! It may be the voice of God but still you haven’t slept in a week.
You’ve been kicked out of all the Hannibal Lecter films for shouting pussy and aamateur at the screen.

Sardonicus has been watching telly and would like to share what an odd experience it is these days.      Srdonicus will not bore you with all the boring guff about how in the good old days there was only one channel, Hitler used to nick our tiles and the Primeminister was a dinosaur.

Aah the good old days.   No more how with endless channels TV is a viewing buffet of endless experiences.  To thos who don’t have digital TV Sardonicus isn’t sure whether to fear or pity you.  You poor, poor souls who will never know the joy a 3 day Sponge Bob Square Pants marathon.

Of late Sardonicus has been watching.

`1  Steven Segal crime fighter.  Steven Segal star of many, many fine martial arts movies is a volunteer police chief in a small town, for real.    He patrols the street in a bullet proof vest previously owned by Ariel Sharon or Idi Amin (he has got a little chunky) .  Accompanied by his elite team of 4 police officers who are even fatter and older than him.  I should add that they patrol quite slowly.  They stop see a black person who stands and gawps at “4 old blokes uniform, a camera crew and no crap that’s Steven Segal he was in Death Touch wasn’t he, man he’s let himself go”  Before standing politely still and allow himself to be restrained. 

Sardonicus hopes to watch this show in a few years time when Steven Segal will be chasing down drug dealers in a Variety Club Sunshine bus.  Perhaps he could get into a vicious duel with Chuck Norris and his OAP commandos on who gets to feed the ducks at the pond?

2   Made.  This is a weird show, it’s a wrong show, it’s a nice show on MTV.  Yes MTV home of my Sweet 16 (fat teens get a BMW, a $2,000,000 party and scream at every one because they’re stupidlyspoiled, a show probably shown in North Korea to disaude defectors).  Reality shows that are like porn films filmed by Leni Riefenshtal (teens with no clothes and perfect bodies crying because they’re all so racist).  But here’s a show where an ordinary teen with an ordinary problem; I want to be a gymnast, I’m a frump who wants to go to the prom, I want to get a girlfriend. 

Then an expert helper type person mentor turns up (a famous model, sports star etc).  Then with tough love and sympathy help said kid to win their ambition, over a month of  hard work they usually they succede winning the approval of said kid’s mates.  And these kids are so ordinary and so nice (no one cares if they’re gay or goths or what ever.)

This is a bizarre as Nick Griffin turning up in Haiti with Nick Davidson in a pedalo to take some unfortunates to live in England.  First time I watched it I thought my telly was broken.

More Sardonicus TV tips later.    Actually Made hasn’t been made in a while Sardonicus hopes they didn’t have some kid who wanted to buy a trenchcoat and teach the pigs a lesson (possibly with guest mentor Ted Bundy?)

So Steve Jobs has just dropped another big one.  Yes the fabulous new ipad has come out (and poor Sardonicus has been beaten to the obvious tampon joke), albeit ipad?  Sounds abit like I’m sad.

Apple seem to have once again succeded in persudaing people to pay for something…well they don’t really need…at least if you have a job or something.

See take the iphone.  No one with a proper job owns one, they’re all bought by creative types giving out sexual favours or eating catfood so they can afford one.  People with proper jobs have Blackberries, people with succesful jobs have ancient nokias wrapped in masking tape and a PA to do their emailing thanks very much.

And when you ask why the iphone is worth selling your body to travelling salespersons in a Travellodge.  The asnwer is all always something like “but the social networking is so good..”

Yes you can look up your Facebook status for another sodding 5 mintues or post that you just had a good fart, or what ever the hell you do.  Just don’t question how people communicated before they tweeted every idiot thought that traversed their head.

And now we have the ipad.  Something that looks like an iphone sold by the RNIB or a particularly snazzy Ikea lunch tray.  You to can sit on a tube aimlessly jabbing your finger at a stylish adult speak and spell like I am Sam.  How Mr Big Jobs must have laughed as he informed us that this was a shit version, but buy it now and be grateful.  Like with every bit of Apple lifestyle wonk the version that actually works will be coming next year at double the price.

Oh but there’s the app store (would an Apple toilet be called the CrapStore?)  yes you can buy Apps to pretend your drinking, find a Starbucks (clue if you can’t see one you’re probably on Alpha Centauro and they’re opening a branch there soon), hell there’s probably there’s an app that orders crapps and another that crapps on about them..Sticking with the fecal tone I hope Mr Big Jobbs designs one that weighs your plops.  That’d be fun, watching metrosexuals unhappily poking their fetid iphones on the AM tube.

Sardonicus would like to be absolutely clear that this blog has nothing to do with the fact.  That Sardonicus has an incredibly basic nokia and anyfancy Sardonicus gets Sardonicus breaks.

This week Dr Sardonicus hs mostly been writing satirical bon mots.  Why you may ask? It’s bon mot season!  BBC’s Newsjack and the new run for News Revue means the sour fruit of the satirical Bon mot blossoms in the bitter tree of wit.   Falling like so many vicious conkers on the heads of health and safety obsessed head teachers.

So Dr Sardonicus in his infinite generosity will be sharing the left overs from his dustbin of  humour.

France Bans the Burqa.

They’ve got the right idea.  Racist?  Well how else are they going to protect them selves from ninja attack?

The recession is over?

So the recession that was caused by banks trading things that didn’t exist for money that didn’t exist either is over?  Can we apply this to wars?  I rather like the idea of Osama Bin Laden and Barrack swopping big lists of made up soldiers with who ever gets the most made up casualties winning.

BBC swops that MacIntyre thing who looks like a poorly evolved chimp for Jonathon Ross.  And pays only a 12th for him.  Good pleased to see the BBC is shopping at Aldi’s like the rest of us.  Now lets just swop Dancing on Ice for fighting on fortified wine and How do you solve a problem like Maria for; How do you solve a problem like John Barrowman, won’t just sod off I mean really how much telly can one man be in?

Of course an easier solution would be for the BBC to simply complete their plan to become the 24/7 David Mitchell channel.  David is so avuncular and nice who could object to watching his nicely smiling face all day?  Men want to be with him women want to be with him, both want to be  him.

Infact Dr Sardonicus can see a Skynet style future where Dave’s smiling face smiles down from giant screens encouraging us to “You know cooperate with the government death bots that are slaughtering humanity, if that’s alright.”

Said Deathbots probably looking like Robert Webb their evil joints sighing with a sound that sounds like “Why does every one like him I’m the sexy one and I write half the stuff.”

So there you go. And remember satirists are never wrong only misunderstood.

And now for the world’s most unsurprising confession.
Dr Sardonicus is dyslexic (as any of you eye spy chief’s will have surmised as his f@@king adress for his blog is misspelled).
Or is he? Dr Sardonicus was tested for dyslexia after driving atleast one professor at Birmingham Uni into a breakdown of Susan Boyle proportions (though fortunately with out the lusting after Piers Morgan weirdness [a reason for a trip to the Priory for anyone {heck I'd lock him up for liking himself}]). The result was Dr Sardonicus has the spelling ability and word recogniton of HAL after he humped the OED. But the memory skills of a chimpanzee that had just had it’s brain served up as a desert to Peter Andre.

Is this dylsexia? The very nice psychiatirst administering the test answer seemed to be
“Probably, or maybe not either way you’re not right.”

An accurate judgement and well worth the 500 squids of your taxes it cost. But it’s always been there for Dr Sardonicus, whose greatest works of writings may be mildly amusing but would require Alan Turing and Bletchley Park to spell check (which Dr Sardonicu visited the other week and would highly reccomend especially the tour). Infact Dr Sardonicus at meetings and training has to conciously shut himself up. As the mismatch between his verbal skills and later work has convinced a great many people he surely must be taking the piss (if only). Rather like a parrot left in the room of Albert Einstein, it may sound great but if you hire it to build an atomic bomb all you’re going to get is a very mess lab.

At one point Dr Sardonicus was pondering if his problems maybe on the Autistic Spectrum . At which point a slightly cheaper psychologist suggested that Dr Sardonicus could probably sufficently bull shit any test to convince people he was anything. Which raises the question,
How does Dr Sardonicus make psychologists et al feel so comfortable being blunt?

Frankly Freud would have probably said to him,
“It’s not your mothers fault you’re just a bit of an arse who should learn to spell.”

Dr Sardonicus was thinking of joining a dyslexia support group, but who’d have been able to read their placards?

Dr Sardonicus has been trawling the news for good news and …has found some!

1 2 Islamic fundamentalists were eaten by a bear in whose cave they were hiding. Booyaka Shah! Take that you Godless religious fundamentalists. Yogi’s servin’ up pickanic baskets of justice. Now hurry up Obama get down to Washington Zoo and release all the bears from their cages none of them have had fair trials (well apart from Paddington who I believe was smuggling cocaine from darkest Peru). And lets start arresting and waterboarding the cows. They’re farts are destroying the polar bear’s environment. Remember in the War of Error there is only one enemy and that enemy is common sense.

2 Gordon Brown spent a night sleeping with the British Army in the desert. Crikey that looks so rude I won’t edit it. Mind you the Lying Scotsman is so desperate I reckon he would offer his saggy arse to anyone for a vote or 2.

I do like the idea of him spending a night under canvas like a Billy no Mates on a camping trip. Crying softly because Dave Cameron got invited to smoke fags with the hard lads in the SAS’s tent.

I do hope somewhere out there is footage of a press conference given by Gordon. His eyebrows shaved off, “I am gay” written on his forehead in permanent ink, in his Yfronts after some of the bigger lads stucks his trousers up a tree. Oddly I think it might make him look more dignified than constantly failing to tax outrageous city bonuses.

3 Boris Johnson scared a bunch of violent school girls away by calling them Oiks. Hoorah! Unlike Gotham we made our brave vigilante mayor. I propose a Boris Bike like an environmentally friendly Batmobile, a Boris Signal and perhaps Dave Cameron as Bobbins (like Robin but rubbish). And I hate to say it but for once he has stolen a lead on my fave Red Ken.
Who only managed to beat people up at parties and insult the occasional Jew.

Paedos vs Terrorists?

Who’s gonna win? Who are you more scared of paedophiles or killers with airmiles?

Because we have to choose. No really we do let your friend Dr Sardonicus explain.
The whizzy new body scanners in use at airports to intercept pants bombers (true in both senses it would appear). Also allow you to see people in the nudey including…kids. So do we use them or not? Are we scared more of molesters of exploding vesters?

Oh some will say just don’t scan anyone under 18? Yeh right 2 words, fundamentalist midget.
Garry Coleman, Wee Jimmy Krankee the world is full of rage filled diddy men. Sardonicus actually saw Ronnie Corbett getting very shirty with a waiter in an Indian restaurant (no really he did, Little Ron was like a banana deprived chimpanzee).

And frankly who is going to apply for a job that will,
a Inolved looking at unpleasant wobbly nudey bodies.
b Automatically be labelled as a big paedo and number 1 on the ISA’s shit list for life.

Well it seems we’ve at least found a job for Gary Glitter (but not Chris Langham you bigots).

There is a simple solution. Fly less. Then chat with each passenger and profile them old human psychology actually works. Would you really miss on going to a yet an unmemorable and uremorable piss up in a benighted European capital? Or seeing that yes Belgium also has Starbucks?

Well sure you can travel but go less often or taken a boat or something.

That or watch the next Question Time turn into a punch up between Nick Griffin, Captain Hook and a Scoutmaster.