If you ever watch channel 5, the Discovery channel whatever. You will notice pretty swiftly that there are 3 programs they specialise in animals eating each other, animals humping each other and of course the daddy. The number one favourite Nazis.
Sardonicus suspects Ofcom put it’s foot down on mixing those 3 up (work it out your self it’s not a pretty picture).

But surely these Nazi documentaries are getting a little well erm dull? Hitler’s stealth fighter, evil secrets of World War 2, the SS they’re all a bit samey. None of them are really Claud Landsman’s shoah. They all seem to appeal to a certain type of person. The kind of fellow who hangs around the Imperial War Museum and spends a little bit to much stroking the big V2.

The problem is they’re all a bit been there done that. The Nazis were good fighting, better at killing and wore some spiffing uniforms. They’re all produced by companies like Cromwell or Iron fist productions. And most seem to be voiced by RObert Powell.

Well you lazy sods Dr S has done some research for you! An entirely new subject, the last dark secret of World War 2.

According to the biography of Hitler’s bodyguard. Adolf liked a bit of a joke. Some of his classics included.

1 Accusing of Goering of promoting his underpants to overpants.
2 Telling Goering when he ate pork, he was the only pig that ate it’s own flesh.
3 Giving Goering tinfoil medals to wear on his pyjamas.

Not only are these pretty good gags. But they have a thematic unity, Hitler the ultimate skinny little shnip focussed all of his humour on his poor fat bastard air marshal (imagine commanding 10,000 stukas, jet fighters making whole cities quake and the boss still calls you fatty boom boom, it’d drive anyone to massive drug addiction). Sardonicus is amused that the dreadfully pompous German film Downfall (the one where all the Germans go “shit you mean the Nazis have been running this country for 6 years, have they done anything naughty?”). got it wrong. Hitler was spending his final hours planning an ever more elaborate prank to play on Goerring not raving at generals. Maybe Goering deliberately lost the battle of Britain jsut to get back at Hitler?

What a slogan for an antibullying campaign? Bullying can lead to the Russian army invading and bombing your city flat, don’t do it!

So Robert Powell if you are free? Fancy doing the voice of for Sardonicus’s first documentary “Hitler the lighter side of genocide.”

A while ago Dr S raised the idea that by being in some situations, one has last one’s argument. Woken up paralysed, staring into a blinding light and fairly sure that the William Hague looking alien fella with the long finger has sinister intentions for your bottom. Well then looks like you lost the argument about alien abductions (that or you’ve just been inducted into the Bullingdon club). You’re planes heading towards the ground, everyone’s shouting at you and your bottoms on fire. You shouldn’t have bought those bargain, Yemeni, Yfronts.

Which lead Dr S to the following point. When you find yourself having to apologise to an entire country, you’re massive faith organisation is in a lot of trouble. Yes Pope Benedict in the unlikely chance you’re reading this then Dr Sardonicus is adressing you.

Oh and whilst he’s on the subject. Those US bishops trying to block Obama’s health care bill. Because it’s better to have less free health care then possibly fund an elective abortion (which the bill won’t). C’mon can’t they open a monastery on Tristan da Cunha (they can condemn the penguins as an abomination) or Mars or somewhere. Better to listen to the 59,000 nuns who want it to go through. (It might even help with those rumours you find girls a bit yucky and clicky your red Prada heels together when watching The Wizard of Oz).

Just say sorry accept some blame. Your organisation serially covered up child abuse, it happened move on. And frankly instructing your leadership to avoid normal sex relationships, wear black and listen to people’s confessions? Were you trying to recruit an army of papal batmen?

Say sorry sell the Vatican and the Turin shroud. Distribute the funds to the victims and what ever’s left to the poor. The cistine chapel would make a kick ass Wetherspoons. And don’t those poor benited Italians deserve cheap steak Tuesday and the Wetherspoon beer festival? Just don’t sell it to Starbucks that would be sinful.

I’m sure Bono will still visit if you move offices to Doncaster. And I doubt this will affect the millions of Catholics dedicated to feeding the poor, educating the ignorant and healing the sick. Heck people will probably pay more attention to them.

Dr Sardonicus has ever been watching television. Damn you goggle box! Your sweet glass teet keeps inteferring with my plans for world domination. As soon as my Virgin cable cuts out, expect a rampaging army of Gordon Brown Gordon Ramsey hybrids. Hurling fax machines and f bombs, Sardonicus’s day will come!

But in the mean time Sardonicus has watched 2 programs one fab and one disapointing. A bit like choosing between the Cheeky Girls and getting the one that was smeared with Lembit Optics.

When Chimpanzees attack.

Ooh what a tease! Here we have endless descriptions of the strength of chimpanzees, they’re almost human propensity for extreme violence. And here we would had the world’s stupidest monkey owner. How stupid? He had a porn star moustache and was from America (but not the clever bits that voted for Obama). He had a pet monkey six times stronger than a human being. Said chimpanzee was getting old and “mean.” To keep this angry simian entertained he; taught it kungfu (and it got pretty damn good, Steven Segal before he got fat good), how to use power tools and a big hammer, I think he might even have let it fire a gun. He also tickled teased it and got in it’s cage. It was like watching Micheal Jackson try it on with Mike Tyson. Then when happened? Nothing what a blooming swizz! Man and chimpanzee are apparently still living happily together to this day. This is the level of disapointment suffered by Paddington bear when he got sent back to Peru to be killed by the Shining Path guerillas.

Thes second show sounded far less promising. Elephants the dark side. What dark side? Jumbo’s mum going all estate mum on the audience? Excessive peanut consumption? Trunk water spraying malarkey? Elephants you’re just to cute, coochee coo, you’re not scary.

The fuck. They’re murderous 6 tonne sex maniacs. Once a year jumbo gets the horn (or the must as it’s better known). Then they pick up their mahout and rip him in half and go on a killing rampage. As one erudite Indian elephant put it, they carry out the wisdom of Solomon.

They ambush cars, steal gallons of beer and generally run amok. The psychos can even take a shotgun to the noggin and keep coming. One called Lord Rahnu was actually a genuine serial killer. Knocking on people’s doors with his trunk, then ripping their heads off when they answer (it’s what the spyhole and chain are for, did you even ask for ID?) Bloody hell he’s way scarier than Hannibal Lecter, perhaps the star of the next Silence of the Lambs movie?

Sardonicus has stopped answering his door. Though in his nightmare these elephantine murderers are no longer satisfied with mere murder and they pursue him with threatening texts.

More realistically he hopes his neighbours didn’t watch the show. Frankly the pitbull poop is enough of a nuisance.

To follow on from his previous post Dr Sardonicus would like to offer this fine piece of writing to Mr Smalljohnson. C’mon your mate Murdoch would make it. You’d be like the right wing, small minded Twilight Zone. I’d ask Sootyj to write you one about “The day political correctness went MAD!” or something.

And gosh knows poor Sootyj needs the work.

RICHARD LITTLEJOHN IS ADRESSING THE AUDIENCE HE’S SMOKING . HE LOOKS LIKE A NECROPHILIAC WITH THE KEYS TO THE MORTUARY.

RICHARD.

Good evening white Britain, unless you’re gay. Piss off you nancies, you won’t fruit me up. I’m Richard Little John and welcome to the Daily Mail World of Mystery Imagination. Picture a school like any other, but 5 minutes into the future.

KID WALKING TO SCHOOL IN BLAZER WITH A RUCKSACK, WHISTLING GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.

RICHARD VO OOV

This is Johnny Britain, a school kid like any other you might think. But no he’s the last of his kind, in The Planet of the Hoodies.

JOHNNY TAKES A HOODY OUT OF HIS BAG PULLS IT OVER HIS HEAD, HE THEN PULLS OUT A MOBILE PHONE AND STARTS PLAYING SOME GOD AWFUL MUSIC AT HIGH VOLUME. HE NOW TAKES OUT A KNIFE AND WALKS ALONG STABBING IT RANDOMLY IN FRONT OF HIM.

HE ADOPTS A BENT OVER SHUFFLE THAT MAKES HIS TROUSERS FALL DOWN ROUND HIS ANKLES.

HE STAGGERS LIKE THIS TO SCHOOL.

HE REACHES THE SCHOOL,

THERE IS A SIGN ON THE FRONT.

“St Myra Hindley inner city academy,”

UNDERNEATH IS WRITTEN (WITH LATIN TRANSLATION)

“If you can read this then who the fuck are you looking at smart arse?”

WE SEE ALL THE BOYS ARE IN HOODIES WITH TROUSERS ROUND THEIR ANKLES STABBING AT RANDOM, ALL THE GIRLS ARE IN BURQAS. EVERY ONE IS SMOKING CRACK, HAVING SEX, OR DRINKING ALCOPOPS (OFTEN AT THE SAME TIME).

THERE IS A GIANT BONFIRE OF BIBLES, FAMILY PETS AND PICTURES OF THE QUEEN AND THATCHER.

JOHNNY LOOKS AT A PICTURE OF THE QUEEN BEING BURNT. THERE IS MAYBE A QUIET, PATRIOTIC SOB FROM UNDER HIS HOODY.

THE HEADMISTRESS COMES OUT TO RING THE BELL, SHE IS A CONJOINED TWIN THAT’S HAVING AN INCESTUOS LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP WITH HER SELF.

HEADMISTRESS

Morning School.

KIDS

Fuck off Miss.

HEADMISTRESS

Good, good right before the national anthem, we’ve had some discipline problems.
Some of our pupils, have bee unmutual.

PUPILS RELEASE A LOW BESTIAL SNARL.

HEADMISTRESS

Jenkins, not wearing a Burqa.

JENKINS IS PUSHED TO THE FRONT OF THE KIDS HE’S QUITE FAT.

JENKINS

But I’m a boy miss!

HEADMISTRESS

No Jenkins, your moobs are big enought to reclassify you as a girl.
Next Nutella Jenkins, 14 not pregnant, and not trying to get a council flat.

A GIRL IS PUSHED TO THE FRONT OF THE KIDS.

NUTELLA

But I want to goto Uni miss.

HEADMISTRESS

You’re just making it worse for yourself. And last of all Gob-shite senior, I can barely bring my self to say this. Jenkins was caught with a book.

KIDS HOWL.

HEADMISTRESS

With words and no pictures.

KIDS GO BERZERK AND PUSH GOB-SHITE TO THE FRONT.

HEADMISTRESS

Now carry out your exams.

THE KIDS DESCEND LIKE IN NOSFERATU, THE 3 MISFORTUNATES DISAPEAR BENEATH THE MASS OF BODIES.

JOHNNY HOLDS BACK AS MUCH AS HE CAN.

THEY EVENTUALLY LEAVE THE BODIES ALONE.

HEADMISTRESS

Well done kids you all passed your SATs with A stars. Now for the national anthem.

KIDS SING “You’re going to get your head kicked in,” TO THE TUNE OF HOPE AND GLORY.

JIMMY IS WALKING HOME, HE SEE’S AN OLD LADY STRUGGLING TO CROSS THE ROAD.

HE JOGS OVER AND HELPS HER.

OLDLADY

Ooh thank you, ere you’re a hoody intcha?

JOHNNY STARTS TO RUN REALSISING HIS MISTAKE.

OLDLADY SCREAMS.

He’s not one of us, he’s politically incorrect!

A PACK OF HOODIES WITH DOGS PURSUE HIM.

BACK IN THE STUDIO

RICHARD IS ADRESSING THE VIEWERS WITH AN EXPRESSION LIKE A NECROPHILIAC MORITCIAN THAT’S BEEN LEFT ALONE WITH PRINCESS DIANA

A few from a nightmare future? Or what’s happening in out schools right now!

People of Britain vote Cameron, till we manage to clone Enoch Powell.

And here’s Sootyj’s famous treaties on the dangers of racism. Also known as “Racist chemist with a small penis sketch”

A BEAUTIFUL BLOND WOMAN, IN 1920s STYLE DRESS/HAIR etc IS TALKING TO A GRUMPY WHITE ENGLISH CHEMIST.

CHEMIST

I don’t bloody care the average ENGLISH penis is 4 inches long, if your boyfriend wants bigger ones, he can sod off back to Africa.

WOMAN

He’s not from Africa, he’s from Skull Island you racist.

CHEMIST

I don’t care if he’s from the ruddy Isle of Mann, he’s not even human!

WOMAN

I’m leaving I’ll do you under the EU human rights act, come on Kong we’ll get some johnnies at the Esso.

SHE WALKS OUTSIDE WE CAN SEE KING KONG WAITING FOR HER.

CHEMIST

Aye try the house of fun, it’s quicker if you run.

WE HERE A LOUD STOMPING OUTSIDE.

CHEMIST

Oh Mr G I’ve got your johnnies, extra small, I know how poorly endowed you nips are.

CHEMIST IS ANNIHILATED BY A BLAST OF ATOMIC FIRE.

OUTSIDE WE SEE KONG MAKING SMALL COCK GESTURES AT GODZILLA.

GODZILLA SHOVES HIM INTO A SKY SCRAPER

CHAOS ENSUES

Dr Sardonicus would like to make it clear his dear friend Sootyj is not infact Richard Littlejohn.

Both Max Clifford and Clifford the Big Red Dog have been summoned. As has that lawyer that got OJ off when he went a bit stabby.

The Littlejohn article

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1257370/RICHARD-LITTLEJOHN-I-look-.html

The Sootyj original

http://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/16369/

VO
And now from the first ever priminsterial debate what is the difference between the 3 parties?
CAMERON: I look down on Brown because I am an Etonian and I can smile.
BROWN: I look up to Cameron because he went to Eton; but I look down on Clegg because he is a midget in a tiny party.
CLEGG: I know my place. I look up to them both. But I don’t look up to Brown as much as I look up to Cameron, because he has got innate breeding and two eyes.
CAMERON I have got innate breeding, but I have not got any policies. So sometimes I look up to him Brown and pinch his.
BROWN: I still look up to him Cameron because although I have policies people think, I am an idiot. But I am not as pointless as Clegg so I still look down on him the short arse
CLEGG: I know my place. I look up to them both; but while I have no votes, I am honest, industrious and proEuropean. Had I the inclination, I could look down on them. But I don’t.
BROWN: We all know our place, but what do we get out of it?
CAMERON: No second term for you Bagpuss.
BROWN: And you get the mess I left the economy in.
CAMERON: I get a feeling of superiority over them…and everyone else
BROWN: I get a feeling of inferiority from Cameron but a feeling of superiority over him Clegg
CLEGG: I get to choose which one of them gets to be prime minister. I am a pain in the neck.

——————————————————————————–

Littlejohn maybe a racist, bigotted, sexist, homophobic, spawn of satan. Who is partially responsible for how truly crappy the world is and I suspect leaks a mixture of marmite and pus out of his pores. But this shows he is indeed a fine comedy writer. Albeit not as as good as Sootyj (who is exactly as good as Dr Sardonicus).

That and he likes Israel which can only be a good thing.

Surely some subjects are not fit for comedy?  Can ethnic cleanisng ever be suggested as a fascist brand of detergent?  Did Fritzell incest on stuff with his daughter?

Awful unfunny jokes aren’t they?  But some times a situation is so horrible you kinda have to laugh at it, because there are times (they’re rare) when being serious doesn’t help.  Some situations are so impossible you have to laugh at them.

Jon Venables is back in prison.  For looking up childporn.  The little bastard.  I bet the Sun bought a giant ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins in the shape of a gallows to celebrate this news day.

The thing that scares Sardonicus is he was accused of  obtaining level 4 child porn (on a scale of 1-5),  Sardonicus is assuming that level 4 is pretty vile and level 5 would make your head explode in disgust.  But he’s rather more concerned about level 3 and level 1.  See for there to be level 4by defnition there’d have to be 1.  What would 1 be Dora the Explorer?  A mirror(a kid might look into it)?  The problem is that our anger at a bum hole like Venables permits us to reduce everyone else’s rights a level.  Venables is a serious sex offender, what’s a minor one?  And how do we prevent Jonathon King travelling back in time to abuse his younger self?  Sardonicus would like to point out all the pornography he owns contains images of dark matter, quazars and Piltdown man.

But even more concerning is the howls of John Vennables has lost his human rights.  He hasn’t it’s kinda the point.  If human rights belong to the least of us, they will belong to the rest of us. People do stupid, vile, unimaginable things fortunately not every day.    Or else we are left with  paedophiles and murderers passing each on the motorway into their respective secret exiles.  The only way to not fear the stranger in our midst is to know everyone in your community.  It might be a step closer to some one in Venables being helped when he was the lost boy and not the monsterous adult.

1

4 PEOPLE SITTING IN A CRAMPED ROOM WITH BOXES AND BUNK BEDS, THERE IS A BIG AIRLOCK STYLE HATCH IN THE WALL.(IT WOULD APPEAR TO BE AN ATOMIC BUNKER)

3 COVER THEIR EYES,

SCREEN GOES BLANK

WE’RE NOW BACK IN THE ROOM, THE 4TH PERSON IS UNCONVINCINGLY HIDING UNDER A CARDBOARD BOX,

THE OTHER 3 POINT AND LAUGH

3 COVER THEIR EYES.

SCREEN GOES BLANK

WE’RE BACK IN THE ROOM, THE 4TH PERSON IN PUSHING THEMSELVES UP AGAINST THE WALL.

THE OTHER 3 POINT AND LAUGH.

3 COVER THEIR EYES

SCREEN GOES BLANK

WE’RE NOW BACK IN THE ROOM, THE 4TH PERSON IS GONE.

THE OTHER 3 LOOK UNDER BEDS, IN BOXES.

THEY GIVE UP AND SHRUG.

THE 4TH PERSON COMES IN THE HATCH HE’S BURNT, AND IRADIATED.

HE POINTS AT THE OTHER 3 AND LAUGHS.

2

A MIME IS DOING HIS CRAPPY ROUTINE AT COVENT GARDEN

A FEW BORED TOURISTS WATCH,

A MAN WALKS BY, THE MIME DOES THAT ANNOYING PRETENDING TO FOLLOW HIM.

GUY TURNS AND JOKINGLY MAKES A SHOOTY FINGERS GESTURE AT THE MIME.

THE MIMES HEAD EXPLODES

THE MAN IS DRAGGED OFF BY THE POLICE.

3

A WOMAN IS HURRYING THROUGH THE UNDERGROUND WITH ONE OF THOSE LITTLE PINK SUIT CASES ON WHEELS. IT KEEPS CLIPPING OTHER PEOPLES ANKLES WHO SHAKE THEIR FISTS AT HER.

SHE GETS ON A TUBE AND SITS DOWN. A BIG HAIRY TRAVELLER TYPE SITS NEXT TO HER, PUTING HIS BIG RUCKSACK ON THE FLOOR, SHE LOOKS DISDAINFULLY AT HIM.

SHE THEN SHRIEKS.

HIS RUCKSACK IS HUMPING HER CASE, IT’S STRAPS FLAPPING LIKE A NAUGHTY DOG’S EARS.

I wrote these about 2 years ago as part of yet another aborted sketch show project.  In this case a silent sketch show.  Anyone fancy animating them?

More oddments from my old writings.  Have fun and thanks for reading!

Find some one with one right leg and you’ve saved 50% on shoes.

Sounds like the reindeer that came after Cupid you must be able to guess this one.

No it’s not an organ donor card. With what you’ve got we want to pickle you for future generations.

Do you like babies? Because you’re going to be changing loads of nappies…you’re own.

Do you you have a very good friend, with a very long finger?

Alonse!

Well now what’s he going to piss out of?

I said prick his boil (ok it’s an oldie but a goodie)

Lufthansa give so much free booze (in heavy Nigerian accent)

We can save everything…south of the eyebrows

http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/2010/02/28/10600/the_great_tangerine_debacle

So Sardonicus was right.

Hear that Telegraph readers Dr Sardonicus is smarter than your flatulent broadsheet.

Where’s your Messiah now?

And well done Robert Popper.  For “popping” the pomposity of newspaper drivel.  Except both the sun edited “citric idiot” to “idiot” me thinks they spotted a wind up.  And played dumb for a good headline.

That’s a bit naughty isn’t it? And a tad unconvincing.

Kinda like shooting John Charles De Menezes because he looked like an escaped tiger.