About 10 years ago one of Sardonicus’s very best friends died.
He was a young, guy, it was tragic.
So Sardonicus travelled upto see his dad (who was also Sardonicus’s friend) and who hadn’t been able to return to the flat he had shared with his son.
Sardonicus the dad and some friends gathered that evening to remember a friend, son and all round decent guy. And they laughed all nights.
The one joke Sardonicus remembers was, that his dad said he’d promised to pour a can of Worthington’s on the grave. Someone suggested didn’t it make more sense to drink it and piss on the grave.
The next Sardonicus went back to the flat. And I think at some point they cried.
Some things are just too important to take seriously.

There is a place for the very darkest jokes on the most awful subject.

Dark jokes have many purposes. Sometimes when we’re scared or sad a sharp spark of humour can burn off those feelings like poisonous gases boiling up in a mine. Sardonicus still wonders if comics had made more jokes around 9/11 would people have stopped and thought? Maybe just a little…

Maybe if someone said this is ridiculous…the worlds mightiest nation brought to it’s knees? By half a dozen guys who thought kamikazing buildings was the best way to get laid…in heaven?

Would a few guilty laughs been better than 2 wars?

Because the absence of humour does not create seriousness and gravitas. It creates terror and panic. It’s rushed through laws and Nick Ferrari suggesting we parachute mentally ill Brits into Islamic countries to blow themselves up.

But if dark humour has it’s place. It is more frequently abused. The sneering racist gag or the off colour chat up line.

How does one tell the difference?
Well that’s easy.

It’s intent not content.

It’s why you’re making the joke in the very first place.

So when Frankie Boyle off handedly uses a pejorative term for Asians on his show in a clever gag on media eurocentrism. Maybe he’s making a clever ironic point.

When it follows jokes about Maddy, fat kids with disabilities and endless dreary ruminating on the size of Africans penises.

Then he can piss off.

You see the very first joke we learn, we learn as infants. And it’s a shock joke. It’s the peekaboo game.

Where’s mummy gone? Oh there she is! What a shock, I think I poohed my nappy.

Jokes with cancer, paedophilia and racist terms, they are an adult version, fun, necessary in small amounts.

But Frankie if adult peekaboo is all you have to offer. Then sorry but I think we all know who’s full of shit. And who needs to grow up.

“Dear diary,
The worstest thing in the world ever has happened! That nerdy kid in the back of the class has stolen you and published you on the school bulletin board. Now everyone thinks I’m a total cowbag and no one’s talking to me! Bummer. I hate that Wikileaks.”
Yes indeed a few nerds with computers have managed to reduce the world’s last superpower to Molly Ringwald in a 1980s John Hughes comedy. Or, for you younger types, the US has been cyber bullied.
Lets get one thing out of the way. The way the US has been caught is frankly hilarious. They created what was essentially a second internet just for their secret services, embassies, military etc. The stuck all their secrets on it’s servers and gave 3,000,000 people access. Then got surprised when one of them used a USB stick to record about a million salacious bits of tittle tattle.
In terms of foolishness, this is akin to building a trampoline testing site in the middle of a minefield.
But what has come out of all of this? The answers as ever are shockingly banal.
Saudi Arabia wants America to bomb Iran. That’s a fundamentalist, Islamo-fascist dictatorship with a history of funding terrorism asking the US to bomb an Islamo-fascist dictatorship with a history of funding terrorism.
Prince Andrew was rude about the press and foreign people and is a bit of a prat.
China couldn’t give a stuff what happens to the 2 Koreas providing it gets to sell shitty tellys and imitation Routemasters to whats left. Oh and it doesn’t get any refugees.
Whatever next? Russian’s have an unusual affection for vodka, Belgium is not taken seriously by rest of EU, Anne Widdecombe is to win strictly despite comically not being able to dance?
About the only funny interesting bits have been how everyone else responded. Ahamdinejad’s statement that “he has good relations with all his neighbouring Arab states,” (despite them all surreptitiously asking the US to give Iran a good Iraqing)
It smacks of the school wally wandering the school sadly saying to all the other kids “you like me don’t you?”
as the facebook page “school wally is a paedo, pizza face and must die.” hits 13,000,123 likes.
The Guardian has formed a hilarious committee to assess it’s reporting on the wikileaks to ensure they don’t compromise any ongoing US military operations. The CIA is carrying out a counter investigation to see who other than Dr Sardonicus and Michael Foot read the Guardian, and Foot’s dead).
Do we really need wikileaks to tell us the war in Afghanistan is going badly? When the news shows us soldiers burning Afghani heroin one week and then marching through fields of poppies the next?
Please don’t get outraged when the bleedin’ obvious is leaked.
One doesn’t need a vet to tell us the parrot is most assuredly dead.

Loot
There has been much revisionist history about World War in the last few years. 6 decades on some of the heroic episodes are finally getting a more intense evaluation.
Not least of all the Blitz, where there was most definitely a real Blitz spirit. Some took advantage of war and disaster to enrich themselves. Dressed as wardens and ambulance crews they would loot the dead and bombed out shops. Often taking advantage of public spirited citizens who thought they were genuinely helping.
There is a strange epilogue to this ugly chapter of history.
We seem to have elected those looters to the highest offices of the land.
Our government smashes the windows of the NHS and picks the pocket of the DSS. All the time earnestly warning critics “don’t you know there’s a fiscal crisis on?” and “we’re all in this together, all animals are created equal.”
Oh wake up England!
How did we get conned by such a shady, glad handing sack of drivel? We waited for the Comprehensive Spending Review and clucked at how well we cope with the few big noise tweaks. We can put up with ‘a little bit of child benefit loss’ and ‘oh I think I can stand the loss of my free prescriptions’.
The real big slashes are in the background: the cuts to local council budgets. Know what the diference is between critical and substantial need? Well you’d better learn because a 25% cut in council budgets means one’s going to get funding and one won’t.
 Critical is what you or your family may end up needing after the council doesn’t fund your family member’s dementia, or learning disability or whatever. As you find yourself pleading that the inability to make a cup of tea should not deny one the support of a caring welfare state (which is substantial need).
How did we get to the state that councils in London are block booking bed and breakfasts in towns with lower rents, thanks to housing benefit cuts, where the poorly paid, the unemployed and the unfortunate can rock up and be bullied into jobs that don’t exist? Did Dave Cameron watch City of God whilst taking mescaline and now believes he’s making a Brazilian epic in London with Georgeous Goerge as Little Zee?
And what about the council jobs that are going to go, some in towns where they make up 60% of the employment base? They were the compensation for the losses when British industries fell apart in the 80s. If Thatcher slunk off after torpedoing coal and steel, Cameron seems set on machine gunning the survivors’ life rafts.
There is time still, there is time. Join a political party, and if you’re in the Lib Democrats – leave one.
And on that note it’s you Cleggers I’m looking at (oh and Cleggers, do look up Otto Quisling on Wikipedia)
Lest your final speech in Parliament be “A bigger boy did it and ran away.”

In a grimy basement half a dozen figures gather quaking in fear. There is a coded knock at the door one desperate man gets up and checks the door. A 7th figure enters he has a hat pushed over his eyes, the collar of his anonymous coat pulled up to obscure his face. Now all seven sit around a rickety table.
 And then the 7th figure speaks.
“Woody Allen’s films are really dull, he hasn’t made a good one since Bullets over Broadway.”
 Another pipes in
“Hava Nagila is a really boring tune”
 With growing excitement a 3rd pipes up
“Leonard Cohen only wrote great songs when he became a Buddhist!”
 “And Cat Stevens is loads better as Yusuf Islam”
 Every one sits in silence and then bursts into applause.
“I hate bagels.”
“Jackie Mason should write some new jokes!”
 And then the door is kicked in as a dozen heavily armed police burst in dragging the poor wretches away. The commanding officer spits in contempt
“And you thought an oath to the Jewish State was just words.”
His sergeant grabs his shoulder
 “Commander come quick there’s a Palestinian book group being rude about Philip Roth!”
 “What are they saying?”
 “They said it’s not funny and it’s all about wanking.”
“The bastards!”
If you haven’t guessed, Sardonicus is utterly disgusted at loyalty oaths for Palestinian citizens of Israel. When did Israel decide to start nicking ideas from anti-Semites?
Are you or have you ever been mildly miffed you got your homeland pinched 70 years ago? What did they expect Palestinians to say?
“Crikey I’m not signing that. I was planning on assassinating the Prime Minister. It’s a fair cop Shlomo, you’ve got me banged to rights!”
Can we have an oath for Austrians to stop locking kids in basements, raising dictators, making sentimental operas and pretty much anything else? That a State chooses to force it’s citizens (most of the affected are part of Israel due to marriage) to abnegate themselves his horrible.
Will I have to sign an English oath of loyalty to a Christian state, disappointing football and soggy fish and chips? Seriously, how humiliating would that be?
Israel, you have lost the moral argument on this one. The same one you lost when you made it illegal to support boycotts.
Because when you start making it compulsory to be loyal, then you make it illegal to be disloyal.
Then you start knocking on doors, just to be sure who’s really loyal.
I hope someone in the Knesset has a long enough memory to remember where that ends.

Dr Sardonicus has some extra comments cut from his last post due to space and pomposity buffer being filled.

1 The Royal Navy is to get enough Trident submarines to provide an atomic response to baddies for only 9 months of the year. Sardonicus is more than a little concerned that a government dogsbody will email Almajilabad
“We promise not to annihilate you in Ramadan if you lay off us at Christmas.”

2 Best bit of spam Sardonicus recieved was.
“This site is excelent but porn harbour is better.”

Can’t argue with that!

George Osbourne has drawn forth his mighty blade and sliced the very first chords on the Gordean Gordian knot of national debt (pun copyright Dr Sardonicus 2010) And the first slices are child benefit for the middle classes and a cap on total benefits for all.
Interesting. Is Mr Osborne actually a clever social satirist showing the essential heart of our society? And not a bloodless over privileged vampire playing with all our lives like some MMPORG for gits?
Because the differences are quite eye catching. The Guardian interviewed some residents of various Nappy Valleys across the UK and the answers almost had Sardonicus reaching for an AK47, beret and stick-on beard.
1 “The £6000 is my pocket money. What does the government expect me to live on?” (your husband’s stonking salary. Is Carmela Soprano on the run in Notting Hill).

2 “It’ll cost me £35,0000 over 15 years.” Be glad then that Gorgeous George isn’t taxing Bugaboos, Boden and complacency. That may have cost you the thick end of £50,000.
Then the housing benefit capping article had Sardonicus reaching for his stove pipe hat, evil moustache and stick for poking the poor. Families moaning about having to leave London’s less salubrious areas because the state won’t pay her a rate of housing benefit, higher than Sardonicus earns.
The idea that the state should underwrite every life style choice people makes is just plain nuts. There never has been a golden age of generous state. Yes there was council housing. But by and large it was pretty rotten. People lived with their parents longer, families could only afford Benson without the Hedges and a Pit without a Bull.
Somewhere along the way our view of government has been perverted into a consumerist one. We pay taxes, we get services and a little bit of our money back.
At this point scrap labour, conservatives and who ever it is that nice Nick Clegg is in charge of. Scrap them all and have supermarkets run political parties. Vote Waitrose if you want travellers moved on and government subsidies for Brian Sewell. Or Tesco for no taxes on Buckfast and Nissan Micras with UV lighting under the body. Or even vote for the Aldi party and get Robert Kilroy Silk to hit Asian shop keepers on the head with Satsuma’s and run off.
Perhaps we should start thinking that we don’t pay OUR money into taxes and expect to receive OUR services. Money is only the reflection of the wealth of the nation and then only a fraction. The far larger part is the communities and people who make it up.
If you don’t get child benefit or winter fuel allowance when your wages aren’t bad then enjoy seeing that money in new schools, hospitals and other good things government do. If a cut in benefit stops you living where you want, then make the most of the community where you are.
The alternative is of course to privatise everything. Personally Sardonicus feels that the new aircraft carrier should be sponsored by P&O. What could be better than going a cruise with a buffet, entertainment and a chance to hang a Somali pirate or two?

Dear Sir,

I would like to say the profound sadness that your review has left me with. I am the author of the offending sketch. There is no mention of bestiality in it what so ever. Sir Saffron’s term “make love” and “gentle lover,” are meant in only the purest platonic terms. Sir Saffron is infact based on a very dear, dear friend of mine who spent 2 years in a psychiatric institution in the 1950s. Partly due to his homosexuality and in part due to his radical views on nudity. This was a cry for tolerance a plea for never returning to those dark days. You’re damning critique has reduced us both to tears and Sir Saffron to the bottle.

The theatre has long been the frontier of the radical performing arts. Unlike TV or podcast one must actual buy one’s ticket and face the performers. And as such from the glory days of Shakespeare’s globe via The Roman’s in Britain, the theatre has stood for all that is brave and icconaclastic in the performing arts.

But this critic has found a new low tactic. She has brought her progeny with her to the theatre. And now every play must be judged by whether it offends and innocent? Will there be no more bisexuality in the Rocky Horror Show? No more pies in Titus Andronicus? Will Shylock settle for a nice apology. Lest some spotty neonate be inspired to commit a criminal act on the way to playing Grand Theft Auto?

Yours sincerely Mr Edd.

PS You may want to check out “Daddy’s Horse is not a Pet.” By George Willard and his wfe Pixel. In some 12 US states loving relationships between animals and humans are recognised.

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Review: Sam and Dave Comedy Sketch Show, Brewhouse Theatre
8:50am Thursday 1st July 2010

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Review, Sam and Dave Comedy Sketch Show, Brewhouse Theatre TWO words sum up the Sam and Dave Comedy Sketch Show at the Brewhouse: bad taste.
I arrived with my 11-year old step-daughter, to be informed five minutes previously the staff had learned that the show was unsuitable for children.
She duly watched the main show while I reviewed the studio performance.
I wanted to like them. Local comedians, personable, versatile actors with excellent characterisation, Sam and Dave look the part. However their claim to take the everyday and find the funny side, influenced by Morecambe and Wise, falls flat.
Only Bernard Manning and the couple of people who were still chuckling and applauding by the end would have been proud of the material.
I can laugh at innuendo, risqué sketches, some non-pc jokes. But this overstepped the mark with an obsession with sex and in particular bestiality.
Suitable for a private club at midnight after several drinks, maybe, but not a local theatre at 8pm. And there was a child in the audience, whose parent, presumably, had as I had done, checked the website to see the following: “the show’s innocence and charm….”
I appreciate that the Brewhouse does not see the material beforehand but more must be done proactively to check its appropriateness for age. And Sam and Dave have talent, but poor judgement.
By Julie O’Donnell.

The White Witch was surrounded by the forces of Good of Narnia.
“Your reign of evil is over!”
Roared mighty Aslan.
“Cor Aslan you truly are my favourite crude lion based representation of Jesus.”
Simpered Lucy.
“Enough talking lets chop off her head in the name of a loving Christian God!”
Shouted Peter exitedly.
“Then we can blow up a horrible abortionist.”
Squealed Edmund blood thirstilly.
“Hold on for just a moment oh sons and daughters of Adam there’s some one you might want to speak to first..”
Said the White Witch
And a dark cloaked figure approached. It threw back it’s hood.
“Yikes it’s the evil wizard Ron the Tosser! Lord of stories.”
Cried Aslan in genuine terror.
“I can’t believe you’re trying to deligitimise the legitimate ruler of Narnia and her people.”

Said the wizard Ron sadly.
“Delegitimisation what’s that?”
Asked Edmund.
“It’s when a country is attacked by a loose coalition of fellow travellers, usually a combination of socialists and fundamentalists. Through a process of economic sanctions, protest and criticism via international bodies such as the UN attack a country or institution. Till it has been so delegitimised it can no longer function.”
Said Ron helpfully.
“Wow, it’s like terrorism but no one gets killed and it looks just like legitimate political protest.”
Said Peter shocked.
“That’s why it’s so evil. It’s like an antisemitic conspiracy in reverse, where all those nasty lefties get together and are thoroughly beastly.”
Said Lucy shamefaced.
“It’s all in my book “The Protocols of the elders of antizionism.”
Said Ron triumphant.
“But how does this apply to the White Witch? She turns people into stone, makes it snow and leads an army of evil.”
Protested Edward.
“That’s just propaganda by the christian, lion, 1940s school children lobby. You’ll find they read the Guardian and eat muesli. Frankly I have a report showing that no animal was turned to stone in contravention of the UN mandate on evil magic and no one complains that Iran has nuclear power that’s far worse than a magical winter.”
Said Ron sternly.
“But can’t we all just agree that turning people to stone and sacrificing poor Aslan to the dark Gods is a bad thing?”
Quibbled Peter weakly.
“No you can’t! It’s racist and a conspiracy.”
Snapped the wizard Ron.
“Sorry”
Said the children as they slunk off to the wardrobe. Aslan slowly wandered into the snow to write another letter to Amnesty International about the cruelty of an enforced permanent winter. Knowing full well that the proWhite Witch lobby in the UN would scupper it.
“Hoorah! Now to go and build a wall for the Dark Lord Sauron around Hobbiton. It’s always been historically part of Mordor.”
Cried the wicked wizard Ron the Tosser as he flew off on his magical high horse. Ready to fight the wicked delegitimisation monster where ever it might next turn up.

Fairytales are daft aren’t they?

Dear Sir Elton.

So should you perform in Israel? Well you’re going to hear some rather dubious arguments in favor of performing.
Israel is the only gay friendly in the Middle East. So what? It’s a liberal democracy it would be bizarre and shameful if it wasn’t. What next David Cameron slashing child benefit because we don’t practise child sacrifice in the UK?

And implying that because you belong to one persecuted minority you should identify automatically with all those who don’t actively persecute said minority. Is a bit patronising to say the least.

Next up Israel is the only democracy in the Middle East. Well yes, but that’s a double edged sword. Liberal democracies with the rule of law are expected to abide by their own laws and the international bodies they belong to. If Israel is a democracy that continually breaks it’s own laws then it’s a bit pointless. Kind of akin to weeping of Watership Down whilst dynamiting rabbit burrows, or beating one’s spouse with a copy of The Female Eunuch.

But I still think you should play in Israel. Why you may ask?

Israel really is a democracy, with freedom of speech. Israel doesn’t need to be ignored nor should it’s mistake be endorsed.

Play your concerts but criticise, criticise fiercely. A satirical version of Rocketman, Yellow Brick road to failed peace plan, or the Zion Kingdom?
Ask to see the wall, the camps and the checkpoints. If there is one massive diference between Israel and South Africa it’s that Israel really does have freedom of speech. It means it’s citizens truly are responsible for the decisions of it’s governments.

Second reason. The people opposing your tour do seem to have lost some perspective. They concentrate on Israel because a liberal, democracy with freedom of travel is vulnerable. Make their lives bitter enough and their young people will leave or suffer.

This is perverse to the point of madness. Iran where prodemocracy supporters are shot in the street and the rebelious, gay or just free willed face the most horrendous punishments. These countries are left alone, because why bother? Their citizens are to scared or endangered by the state to make a fuss. A vote for liberalism and freedom from opression becomes an endorsment for some of the harshest regimes in the world.

One last point. You will hear no doubt much of the homophobia of the Palestinian government. Well it’s very real, but it’s the sad result of how all opressed people will eventually turn in on themselves. The worst bullys are always those who were bullied themselves. Don’t view this as a reason not to support them. Rather take the view that this may well disapear when the opressed on all sides no longer feel put upon.

Sardonicus has now voted, and if you haven’t – go out and vote. What are you? Fascists or Greens or something?
 Anyway, in case you were thinking of voting for David “Call me Lucifer” Cameron here are 10 reasons not to.
Cameron is ALLEGED to have.
1 Almost used a campaign poster of him hugging a man with Downes Syndrome and a pensioner. With the tag line “I’ll take care of them.” He is is winking, and there are 2 chimneys billowing smoke behind him.
2 Planned to sell the BBC to international pornographer Larry Flynt. BBC 1 and BBC2 will be renamed BBC tits and BBC bums. Radio 4 will be renamed Radio Sodomy (though this has been planned some years ago).
3 Refuses to read the Daily Mail. He reads the Grauniad as he loves bad spelling and grammar.
4 Has kicked more dogs on his campaign trail than any politician since Gladstone. If made Prime Minister he is planning to taunt the Queen’s corgis by flicking peanuts at them.
5 Is so evil Pope Benedict’s visit this year is to advise the Chief Rabbi and Archbishop of Cantebury on how to carry out an exorcism on 10 Downing Street if he gets in.
6 Has hired Uri Geller as a psychic mercenary to make Gordon smile like a sex offender and tell rubbish jokes.
7 Has built Boris Johnson in a secret lab in Eton. He is planning to clone buffoonish mayors for every town in England.
8 Is planning to tax wanking, farting and nose picking.
9 Will make hetrosexuals pay a none-gay license every year costing £500, or be forced to be gay.
10 Is a posh cock planning to use England’s worst recession as an excuse to give massive tax breaks to his rich chums and open up the whole welfare state, NHS etc etc to massive investment by said rich friends. Making himself the pimp for England to super the rich.