To follow on from his previous post Dr Sardonicus would like to offer this fine piece of writing to Mr Smalljohnson. C’mon your mate Murdoch would make it. You’d be like the right wing, small minded Twilight Zone. I’d ask Sootyj to write you one about “The day political correctness went MAD!” or something.
And gosh knows poor Sootyj needs the work.
RICHARD LITTLEJOHN IS ADRESSING THE AUDIENCE HE’S SMOKING . HE LOOKS LIKE A NECROPHILIAC WITH THE KEYS TO THE MORTUARY.
RICHARD.
Good evening white Britain, unless you’re gay. Piss off you nancies, you won’t fruit me up. I’m Richard Little John and welcome to the Daily Mail World of Mystery Imagination. Picture a school like any other, but 5 minutes into the future.
KID WALKING TO SCHOOL IN BLAZER WITH A RUCKSACK, WHISTLING GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.
RICHARD VO OOV
This is Johnny Britain, a school kid like any other you might think. But no he’s the last of his kind, in The Planet of the Hoodies.
JOHNNY TAKES A HOODY OUT OF HIS BAG PULLS IT OVER HIS HEAD, HE THEN PULLS OUT A MOBILE PHONE AND STARTS PLAYING SOME GOD AWFUL MUSIC AT HIGH VOLUME. HE NOW TAKES OUT A KNIFE AND WALKS ALONG STABBING IT RANDOMLY IN FRONT OF HIM.
HE ADOPTS A BENT OVER SHUFFLE THAT MAKES HIS TROUSERS FALL DOWN ROUND HIS ANKLES.
HE STAGGERS LIKE THIS TO SCHOOL.
HE REACHES THE SCHOOL,
THERE IS A SIGN ON THE FRONT.
“St Myra Hindley inner city academy,”
UNDERNEATH IS WRITTEN (WITH LATIN TRANSLATION)
“If you can read this then who the fuck are you looking at smart arse?”
WE SEE ALL THE BOYS ARE IN HOODIES WITH TROUSERS ROUND THEIR ANKLES STABBING AT RANDOM, ALL THE GIRLS ARE IN BURQAS. EVERY ONE IS SMOKING CRACK, HAVING SEX, OR DRINKING ALCOPOPS (OFTEN AT THE SAME TIME).
THERE IS A GIANT BONFIRE OF BIBLES, FAMILY PETS AND PICTURES OF THE QUEEN AND THATCHER.
JOHNNY LOOKS AT A PICTURE OF THE QUEEN BEING BURNT. THERE IS MAYBE A QUIET, PATRIOTIC SOB FROM UNDER HIS HOODY.
THE HEADMISTRESS COMES OUT TO RING THE BELL, SHE IS A CONJOINED TWIN THAT’S HAVING AN INCESTUOS LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP WITH HER SELF.
HEADMISTRESS
Morning School.
KIDS
Fuck off Miss.
HEADMISTRESS
Good, good right before the national anthem, we’ve had some discipline problems.
Some of our pupils, have bee unmutual.
PUPILS RELEASE A LOW BESTIAL SNARL.
HEADMISTRESS
Jenkins, not wearing a Burqa.
JENKINS IS PUSHED TO THE FRONT OF THE KIDS HE’S QUITE FAT.
JENKINS
But I’m a boy miss!
HEADMISTRESS
No Jenkins, your moobs are big enought to reclassify you as a girl.
Next Nutella Jenkins, 14 not pregnant, and not trying to get a council flat.
A GIRL IS PUSHED TO THE FRONT OF THE KIDS.
NUTELLA
But I want to goto Uni miss.
HEADMISTRESS
You’re just making it worse for yourself. And last of all Gob-shite senior, I can barely bring my self to say this. Jenkins was caught with a book.
KIDS HOWL.
HEADMISTRESS
With words and no pictures.
KIDS GO BERZERK AND PUSH GOB-SHITE TO THE FRONT.
HEADMISTRESS
Now carry out your exams.
THE KIDS DESCEND LIKE IN NOSFERATU, THE 3 MISFORTUNATES DISAPEAR BENEATH THE MASS OF BODIES.
JOHNNY HOLDS BACK AS MUCH AS HE CAN.
THEY EVENTUALLY LEAVE THE BODIES ALONE.
HEADMISTRESS
Well done kids you all passed your SATs with A stars. Now for the national anthem.
KIDS SING “You’re going to get your head kicked in,” TO THE TUNE OF HOPE AND GLORY.
JIMMY IS WALKING HOME, HE SEE’S AN OLD LADY STRUGGLING TO CROSS THE ROAD.
HE JOGS OVER AND HELPS HER.
OLDLADY
Ooh thank you, ere you’re a hoody intcha?
JOHNNY STARTS TO RUN REALSISING HIS MISTAKE.
OLDLADY SCREAMS.
He’s not one of us, he’s politically incorrect!
A PACK OF HOODIES WITH DOGS PURSUE HIM.
BACK IN THE STUDIO
RICHARD IS ADRESSING THE VIEWERS WITH AN EXPRESSION LIKE A NECROPHILIAC MORITCIAN THAT’S BEEN LEFT ALONE WITH PRINCESS DIANA
A few from a nightmare future? Or what’s happening in out schools right now!
People of Britain vote Cameron, till we manage to clone Enoch Powell.
And here’s Sootyj’s famous treaties on the dangers of racism. Also known as “Racist chemist with a small penis sketch”
A BEAUTIFUL BLOND WOMAN, IN 1920s STYLE DRESS/HAIR etc IS TALKING TO A GRUMPY WHITE ENGLISH CHEMIST.
CHEMIST
I don’t bloody care the average ENGLISH penis is 4 inches long, if your boyfriend wants bigger ones, he can sod off back to Africa.
WOMAN
He’s not from Africa, he’s from Skull Island you racist.
CHEMIST
I don’t care if he’s from the ruddy Isle of Mann, he’s not even human!
WOMAN
I’m leaving I’ll do you under the EU human rights act, come on Kong we’ll get some johnnies at the Esso.
SHE WALKS OUTSIDE WE CAN SEE KING KONG WAITING FOR HER.
CHEMIST
Aye try the house of fun, it’s quicker if you run.
WE HERE A LOUD STOMPING OUTSIDE.
CHEMIST
Oh Mr G I’ve got your johnnies, extra small, I know how poorly endowed you nips are.
CHEMIST IS ANNIHILATED BY A BLAST OF ATOMIC FIRE.
OUTSIDE WE SEE KONG MAKING SMALL COCK GESTURES AT GODZILLA.
GODZILLA SHOVES HIM INTO A SKY SCRAPER
CHAOS ENSUES
