Dr Sardonicus has ever been watching television this week. He’s watched 2 programs one fab and one disappointing. A bit like choosing between the Cheeky Girls and getting the one that was smeared with Lembit Optics.

When Chimpanzees attack.

Ooh what a tease! Here we have endless descriptions of the strength of chimpanzees, they’re almost human propensity for extreme violence. And here we would had the world’s stupidest chimpanzee owner. How stupid? He had a porn star moustache and was from America (but not the clever bits that voted for Obama). He had a pet monkey six times stronger than a human being. Said chimpanzee was getting old and “mean.” To keep this angry simian entertained he; taught it kung fu (and it got pretty damn good, Steven Segal before he got fat good). Also how to use power tools and a big hammer Sardonicus think he might even have let it fire a gun. He also tickled teased it and got in it’s cage with it. It was like watching Michael Jackson try it on with Mike Tyson. Then when happened? Nothing what a blooming swizz! Man and chimpanzee are apparently still living happily together to this day. This is the level of disappointment suffered by Padding ton bear when the immigration office sent him back to Peru to be killed by the Shining Path guerrillas.

The second show sounded far less promising. Elephants the dark side. What dark side? Jumbo’s mum going all estate mum on the audience? Excessive peanut consumption? Trunk water spraying malarkey? Elephants you’re just to cute. Coochee coo, you’re not scary.

Boy was Sardonicus wrong. They’re murderous 6 tonne sex maniacs. Once a year jumbo gets the horn (or the must as it’s better known). Then they pick up their mahout and rip him in half and go on a killing rampage.

They ambush cars; steal gallons of beer and generally run amok. The beastss can even take a shotgun to the noggin and keep coming. One called Lord Rahnu was actually a genuine serial killer. Knocking on people’s doors with his trunk. Then ripping their heads off when they answer (it’s what the spyhole and chain are for. Did they even ask for ID?) Bloody hell heway carier than Hannibal Lecter. Perhaps a star of an elephantine Silence of the Lambs movie?

Sardonicus has stopped answering his door. Though in his nightmare these elephantine murderers are no longer satisfied with mere murder and they pursue him with threatening texts.

More realistically he hopes his neighbours didn’t watch the show. At the moment they’re happy with just an intimidating pitbull

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