Monday

AM. Running on a short fuse this morning, thanks to Annoying Flatmate Laura and her new slobberbucket boyfriend being all over each other at the breakfast table.

Had to sit there and watch her fish all the raisins from her bowl of Country Store, then re-distribute them one by one on each spoonful so that she could be guaranteed a raisin in every bite. Slobbers declared he loved her endearing quirks. For ‘quirks’, read ‘infuriating habits.’

PM. Unbelievable career news! Our resident columnist has resigned because she hasn’t been paid in three months so Lucia has asked me to step in as ‘guest columnist’. No pay rise of course, so I have to content myself with prestige and getting-my-name-heard-in-the-public-arena factor. Now, should the column be forthright, pertinent and insightful? Or maybe whimsical, slightly eccentric and oh, so witty. Future career hanging in the balance.

Tuesday

AM. Spent the night wondering about my new career as public personality. Perhaps I’ll be one of those people who gets invited on to witty TV panel shows and fervent radio debates. Maybe Ray D’Arcy might even have me on his TodayFM morning show as his resident ‘funny person’.

 Ray: So tell me Emily, what did you get up to this week?

Me: Well, Ray, this week I wrung the neck of my annoying flatmate, Laura, with hilaaa-rious consequences…

PM. Visit from Big Boss Richard – says he wants the new col to be ‘fresh and lovably quirky’. Eek.

Wednesday

AM. In an attempt to develop a lovable quirky streak, spent the night watching Laura. Think I may have cracked it: I threw two perfectly good pieces of toast away this morning because they were from the square end of the bread not the round. Asked Slobbers if that was endearingly quirky, he said yes but only when Laura does it. Bah.

PM. Hector pointing out that a preference for the roundy end of toast is quite prevalent, and not really unique enough to be considered a quirk. His quirk is that he refuses to drink coffee out of dark cups, he says it looks nicer in a white cup. Heather says she will only eat sandwiches that are cut in triangles, not in squares, and quartered-sambos turn her stomach. Queen Julian from Wine and Dine says he will only cross the road when he sees a green man as he was knocked down and killed in a past life and doesn’t want to tempt fate.

All fairly high standard quirks, the bar has been set.

Thursday

AM. Have come up with potential quirky subject for new col – the inconsistency of tiramisu in restaurants. I rank it as a high-risk dessert option because it can either be an over-moist mess or a creamy delight depending on where you go.

Top three high-risk dessert options:  1) Tiramisu (reasons outlined above). 2) Chocolate fudge cake (note to all restaurateurs, it should always be served warm, with vanilla ice cream AND whipped cream AND chocolate sauce). 3) Carrot Cake (Who the hell thought it would be acceptable to just have a light smattering of icing on the top? There should always be a generous layer in the middle too.)

PM. Photographer coming later for head shots. Not looking forward to it as in my case the camera adds 20 pounds. Have been watching America’s Next Top Model for inspiration from Tyra Banks on looking ‘fierce’ etc.

Friday

AM. Arse. Lucia dismissed my high-risk dessert idea for column as ‘too weird’. Back to the drawing board.

PM. Photos are in. As feared, I am a total ug. Photographer commiserating with me; he helpfully pointed out that while I may not be conventionally attractive I do have a certain, wait for it… ‘quirkiness.’ Great.

Monday

AM. Crap weekend. Nephew’s eight birthday was a bit of a damp squib. It turned out to be in a feckin’ play centre so there were no opportunities for sitting in a corner getting plastered and eyeing up the hot dads of other party goers. One of the party supervisors was easy enough on the eye, but there wasn’t even a game of Musical Statues which would’ve allowed me to freeze in various bending over type seductive poses. What’s all this play centre shite anyway? When I was a kid you were doing well to get a measly bowl of jelly and ice cream before having a quick bop to Pinkie and Perky and then being pushed out the door with a crumbling piece of store bought chocolate Swiss Roll wrapped in a napkin. Of course, if you were very posh you had your party in McDonald’s and got sent home with a Ronald McDonald pencil case, but these A-list dalliances were few and far between.

PM. Eimear informing me that play centres are the bottom of the rung. Last week she went to a kids’ party that featured three different styles of bouncy castle (which were all in keeping with the party’s colour scheme of pink and cool lavender), a three course meal involving monogrammed serviettes and magic tricks courtesy of Keith Barry. Not only that but those who were triumphant at the party games won a free spray tan. Christ, I thought it was exotic when Tara Doyle’s dad welcomed us to her ninth birthday party wearing a Fozzy Bear mask.

Tuesday

AM. Feeling inadequate. Even eight year olds lead a more high class and refined social life than I do, need to inject some sophisticated type hob-nobbing into my existence, stat!

PM. Just been moaning to Owen. He has suggested that we host a wine party in the house. In short, we play host, invite ten friends, get them to cough up some cash each, then two wine experts arrive loaded with drink and we all get to sit around and have a ‘tasting’.  So we get to be sophisticated and inebriated without a winding taxi queue in sight? Sold!

Wednesday

AM. Very excited about my wine night! Just think, I will soon be able to actively engage in the whole wine tasting bollocks when I go to a fancy restaurant, at last I will have the respect of stuffy up-their-arse waiters who hitherto have looked down on me for asking for ‘something that’s around 14%’.

PM. Just back from Starbucks. Sent back my latte; there just wasn’t enough froth on it: “No, no, no, this will never do! Make me another one my good man, chop chop!”

Thursday

AM. Deliberating with colleagues over what food to serve at my sophisticated wine party, it must be elegant but simple.

PM. Got it! Vindaloo!

Friday

AM. Just been talking to the wine expert who has suggested that the likes of crackers, cheese and fruit may make for a more fitting compliment to the flavours in the wine, but of course… what was I thinking!?  

PM. Right, off to get some cocktail sticks and will then make a start on the pineapple hedgehog.