Monday
AM. Owen away all this week so it looks like I will temporarily have to revisit my old life and remind myself what it’s like to be a single person who has nothing to do and nobody to do it with… still, there’s always Heather.
PM. Have arranged to go and see a movie tomorrow with Heather. I was thinking along the lines of tasty Viggo in The Road, but she reckons the bleak nature of the movie may upset the baby’s ‘resonance’, so instead she’s chosen to see It’s Complicated… riiight, because the baby’s resonance definitely won’t be disturbed by the in utero sounds of geriatrics having sex.
Tuesday
AM. Just thinking, going out with a pregnant woman does have its advantages; nobody will dare skip us in the queue for the pic n mix or talk loudly in our vicinity for fear of unleashing her wrath.
PM. Disadvantages of going to a movie with a pregnant woman: you have to drop her at the door while you find a parking spot somewhere in the next county, then you have to stand in the lobby like a tit doing your best to hold an extra large popcorn, a bottle of Gavison, and a cushion, while she goes to the loo for the gazillionth time.
Wednesday
AM. Ugh! Still recovering from the sight of a post-coital Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin naked in bed together… I mean really, I’ve spent the majority of my life thus far trying to shut out the fact that my parents do it, so why on earth should I pay €9.90 plus 80 cent booking fee for two hours of having it shoved in my face in stereo!? Brings back horrific memories of Friday nights years ago when my parents plonked us in front of Buck Rogers then disappeared upstairs.
PM. Office wide discussion on It’s Complicated and the icky issue of parents having sex. It seems everyone has a horror story. Hector just finished telling us how once he went looking through his dad’s drawer for socks and found a tape which he thought was home video footage of him and his little sister as kids. It wasn’t.
Thursday
AM. If there’s one thing worse than hearing your parents having sex, it’s listening to other people’s stories about their parents having sex. As far as I’m concerned, I was born without sin… either that or I grew out of some kind of alien pod, like in the movie Cocoon.
PM. Heather reckons that we are all being silly about the pensioner sex thing and that old people doing it is ‘cute’. Eww.
Friday
AM. It just dawned on me, how feckin’ insulting must it be for parents!? I mean, in their pre-arthritic days they used to have hot steamy sex, and now they’ve reached the stage that when they do manage to creak a leg over people either recoil in horror or patronisingly congratulate them.
PM. Mother just been on the phone to see how I’m managing without Owen. She suggested I go and stay there tonight. On a Friday? I think I’ll pass.
