Monday
AM. Ah, hello world, and greetings 2010! I am ready for ‘The Teenies’! Behold the giant sparkly rock that sits upon my finger and makes me have to drag my arm around behind me like a Neanderthal. It now seems that finally, after muchly gallivanting and fornication, the time has come for me to settle down. Best of all, apart from gearing up for a life of loving contentment and mutually rewarding partnership, I also get to be the only person in the office who actually has something interesting to say about how Christmas went rather than ‘quiet’, ‘nice’, or ‘ooh, ate far too much.’
PM. Shock! Hector incredulous over my newly engaged status, in fact, he is laughing hysterically. He reckons I’m not exactly ‘wife material’!
Tuesday
AM. Still torn over impending new role; I mean, what am I expected to do, meet Hubby at the door every evening with his feckin’ pipe and slippers after a day spent ironing his Y-fronts?
PM. Bloody hell, even Queen Julian reckons he would make a better wife than me. Something must be done!
Wednesday
AM. Sorted. Have joined the Good Wife Internet Forum for advice on what a good wife does (hence the name).
PM. Hector reckons being the good wife is more about what I shouldn’t do – i.e. fall in drunk on a Saturday night with half a kebab smeared across my face. Have searched the Good Wife Forum, but there seems to be a lot of grey areas surrounding this issue.
Thursday
AM. Just to be safe, will consult colleagues regarding what the new age Irish man expects of his wife.
PM. The results are in: 1) Make yummy dinners. This is not expected every night but it is hoped that wifey dinners will be more superior to the ones that they make. 2) Do laundry. Again, this is not expected all the time, but it is hoped that wifey laundry will smell better and be more neatly folded than the laundry that they do, especially when it’s their turn to do the rugby/soccer team kit. 3) Be quiet during major sporting events – talking is permissible but only at half time and even then it helps if it’s to do with the sport in question as concentration on anything else at that point is difficult for them. 4) Make them feel better after a crappy day by being warm and schnuggly. 5) Give regular ‘you-know-whats’, and wearing hold-up stockings is to be encouraged. If you can do both of the aforementioned simultaneously, even better.
Friday
AM. Have shown Owen the list of wifely duties and thankfully he laughed, he said as long as I make him the occasional Sunday Roast like his mammy used to do, then he’ll be more than happy. Must say, his face dropped a bit when I told him that was out of the question, doesn’t he know that Sunday is hangover day?
PM. As loving relationships are all about compromise, have decided to cook Owen a delicious ‘Friday Roast’ instead… just as long as he’s out of the house by 9pm as have arranged to go clubbing with Bessie Mate Fiona.
